Just A Guy Thing

After three months of anticipation, following their college squads changes on Rivals.com and watching the reading NFL training camp reports like children counting down the days till Christmas, we can breath easy.  Football is back for 6 warm, fantastic months.

The college season kicked off on Thursday and offers a slate of games through the weekend, culminating on Monday night with #3 ranked Boise State taking on #10 Virginia Tech in the marquee matchup of Week 1.

College football not your thing?  Well, hold on for four days and the pros are back at it.  Minnesota and New Orleans duke it out on Thursday night in a redux of last year’s NFC Championship game.  Can Brett Favre, the Paris HIlton of espn.com, hang with the defending NFL champs despite being 114 years old?  Tune in on Thursday.

So what does it all mean?  It means that men everywhere are in “Do Not Disturb” mode every weekend until February.  Further, it’s an unspoken rule that it’s socially acceptable to start drinking once ESPN’s College Gameday airs, which is 8am, if you’re lucky enough to live on the west coast.  It also means that you will become intimately familiar with the menus of Olive Garden, Papa Johns, and Applebees thanks to incessant commercials.

It also means you will be busy on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays doing your best to salvage your relationship after you spend the other four days a week screaming at TV’s like an alcoholic banshee.  Your dance card just filled up.

First, I owe you all an apology.  I’m really not sure who “you all” are.   I can’t say that “you all” have missed me.  What I can say is it has been way too long, old friends.   I’ve missed you.

Second, let’s jump right in.  Instead of discussing “the why” behind my absence, let’s focus on “the what”—as in,  what could possibly be so important that I have ended my sports writing sabbatical.  Focus on the title:  Plethora of Johnsons.  Just say it.  I like the word plethora.  (For those of you who haven’t seen the Three Amigos, and don’t know what a plethora is, please lock yourself in a dark closet with a bowl of cereal.  The singing bush will come let you out after I have forgiven you for being an idiot.)

Back to the point, yes, you read the title correctly.  I am a chick who wants to talk about Johnsons.  Quit simply, lots of Johnsons.  This is what’s compelling me to pull a Favre.  This is what brings me out of retirement faster than the Raven’s Fabian Washington can run a 40.  Couple my love of Johnsons with a greater love.  Three little letters.  N. F. L.  LOVES IT.  Couldn’t love it more.

As a springboard into this season’s fabulousity, I thought we could combine favorites.  What chick doesn’t love Johnsons?  Whoops.  Disclaimer: Here at justaguything.com we would NEVER discriminate against lesbians. I know you readers out there are secretly holding your breath waiting for Vivid to strike a deal for the Heidi Montag/Karissa Shannon tape, so I apologize.   Let’s giv ‘er another whirl…This time more PC.  This is my article.  I love Johnsons.  I love the NFL.  I want to talk about my ten favorite NFL Johnsons.   Let the countdown to #1 begin.

#10:  Tyrell Johnson

Tyrell is battling for the Viking’s strong safety position.  He is quick, he has good potential, and he is young, but he gives up too many big plays.  Competition for his role may prove to be the best thing that happens to him this season.  Hopefully it will give him a violent shove towards the becoming the player the Vikings hope he can be.  Gotta give it to the kid for vision and confidence-which is why he makes the list.  I love a confident Johnson.   He was publically quoted as saying “I want to reach the Pro Bowl” while referring to goals for the 2010 season.   Better up your reps, Tyrell (and hope that you keep your starting position).  Brett Favre may have the defense on the field more than ever this season.  Here’s to hoping grandpa’s pass interceptions give you the playing time you’ll need to show that you can stay disciplined in cover-2.

#9:  Jaymar Johnson

Speaking of the Vikings, Jaymar Johnson is probably doing the same thing I am doing this weekend—preparing for my fantasy football draft.  (We have so much in common, Mr. Johnson! ) Jaymar is on my list because he is selfless.  It’s not any Johnson that will break his thumb in pre-season so that a famous quarterback who goes back-and-forth between retirement and active duty AND who has more of a hard time deciding if he wants to play the one more year than I do picking out a dress can have his 53^rd roster spot.   You have a good heart Jaymar, and good hands.  There’s always Madden!  If you have an older version, you can even play yourself!  Oh, wait.  You need thumbs for that too…Sorry.

#8  Tank Johnson

So, for one glorious year, Tank and I were neighbors, which is why he is on the list.  No joke.  Dallas W -Victory shout out!  Tank was friendly and he loved my 80lb boxer, Achilles.  And, as if the concierge staff isn’t security enough, knowing that Tank was about 6 floors down was comforting.   If he couldn’t take an intruder with his own two hands, we were only seconds away or an elevator ride, whichever you prefer, from his parking garage storage unit which I am positive housed the arsenal he rebuilt after being busted in Chicago.  The icing on the cake?  His lime green, Louis Vuitton custom interior,  hoopty-ride.  Can you think of a better get-away car? I’ll answer that.  No.  On the reals, though Tank.  Couldn’t be more happy that you are a Bengal.

#7  Gary Johnson

Oh fine, for you history buffs. (You know who you are, you ESPN classic freaks.)  Gary Johnson makes a fine addition to my list.  Eighty-four super bowl champ with the 49ers, pro-bowl selection, and a nickname to make all the other Johnsons proud: Gary “big hands” Johnson.  Congrats, Gary, if you can hear me…you made the list…Uh, cause you know what they say about big hands, right?  Credit where credit is due.  Other Johnsons, take heed.  If you hold up to your rep, the Ghost of Johnsons Past might visit you.  Behave.

#6  Keyshawn Johnson

Where do I begin?  You are less annoying then Chris Berman?  You have an endless amount of horrid suits that you should be proud of?  Perfect, you are on the list.  So many things to say with so little space.  All I know is NFL Gameday is a double-edged sword.  I hate you, yet I love you.  I love to hate you.  When you are on the air I hate you, yet if you aren’t airing that means it’s not football season, so I guess I love you.  Self: agree to disagree.

#5  Jarret Johnson

You don’t need to be a Pro-Bowler to make my list, Jarret.  You play for the 3^rd ranked and much feared defense in the league.  No one loves to go to Baltimore, and it’s not because people hate Steve Bisciotti.   They do hate Steve, but they fear you.  And hey, I don’t blame ‘em.  Being the only player to finish in the top 3 in sacks, tackles, and interceptions for the Raven’s will do it to anyone.  Keep making your fellow Johnsons proud.

#4 Calvin Johnson

If anyone can revive motor city it’s you, so you make the list.  You are a lion and I hear you roar– roaring right into the mix as one of the top receivers in the league despite the horrible team you play for.  I really hope for your sake that Matt Stafford turns into your Hobbes.  I’d like to see you guys win a few games this year.

#3  Andre Johnson

Andre, I want you on my fantasy team.  What do you say?  You are one of the two best receivers putting on the pads every Sunday.   A true game-changer.  You are 28.  In four years, you’ll be 32.  That translates to one-foot-in-the-grave status for a football player.  Now is the best time for you to capitalize on your talent and a helleva talent you are.  I’ll fight for you Andre.  Now get out there and score me some points.

#2  Chris Johnson

It shouldn’t be a surprise that Chris is on my list of Top 10 NFL Johnsons.  He almost slid into the number one spot, but being a chick, I have to play with my heart and not my head, so he is snug as a bug in a rug in the number two spot for now.  Offensive player of the year? Check.  2000 yards? Check.   I know quarterbacks tend to win the MVP title, but sweet sweet Peyton (my nickname for Peyton Manning last year) probably deserved the title just a little less than you.  For god sakes, folks, Madden gave CJ a new celebration dance in Madden 11 called the “Chopper City Juke.”  Simply put, Chris Johnson is a king among Johnsons.  (PS- As fate would have it, Chris, I also want you on my fantasy team.  You may be a smaller Johnson, but you are so damn fast.  Where does all that speed come from Chris? Call me.)

#1 Chad Johnson

So I know he is legally Ocho Cinco.  I don’t care.  I love me some Chad Johnson.  I love the river dance. I love the phrase “Child Please.”  I love the phrase “Kiss the Baby.”  I loved Chad in Hard Knocks.  I love Chad when Chad isn’t on Hard Knocks.    Um, I love the fact that Ocho Cinco was recently fined 25K by the NFL for “in-game tweeting.”  On the level though, outside of the heart strings, number 85 is no slouch on the field.  The personality, the flair, the crazy, the Cincinnati, and the skills make Chad Johnson my number one, favorite-ever, NFL Johnson.

So there you have it folks—my top ten NFL Johnsons.  There are really three morals to this story now that it is all said and done.  The first was best said by the best man at my best friend’s wedding: “Couldn’t we all use another Johnson in the world?” (In context, he was referring to my girl marrying into the Johnson family and possibly using his johnson to create a Johnson baby).  The answer is yes.  We could use a few more Johnson’s in the world, particularly in the NFL if they are anything like the Johnsons in my Top 5.  The second– guys when a chick says she wants to chit chat about Johnsons, crack open a beer and hope she is talking sports.  And the third, which is really the take-away lesson here…TGIF.  Thank God It’s Footballseason.   Damn it’s good to be back.

I love foreign cultures:

“We’re having a tomato fight in Spain with 60,000 people.”

“Why?”

“Because we did it this time last year.”

“Okay.”

As best I can tell, that’s the logic behind the Tomatina festival, a holiday in a small Spanish town where people get together and throw 90,000 pounds of tomatoes at each for…some reason.  I’m guessing that alcohol is involved.

There’s nothing not like about this event.  Food fights, partying, and Spain.  Three of the greatest things in the world, all together at once.  I just don’t understand why people don’t wear red.  Seems like a no-brainer…

More images available here from our friends at EgoTV.

Matt McClellan’s eager to get his name out there.  Looking to torpedo the notion that pizza is junk food, the owner of a bicycle-themed pizza parlor (wtf?) went on a 30-day pizza diet and lost 24 pounds.  Also, he worked out an hour a day, which probably helped move things along.

This guy has since done the diet two more times, once while cycling from Florida to New York (uh, yeah that should shed a few pounds regardless of what you’re eating.)

We can’t in good conscience recommend that you eat ANYTHING exclusively for 30 days straight, but if you’re still curious, and want to read an interview with the man himself, click here to see the piece at Made Man.

You know those fun remotes for the Nintendo Wii?  Now you can…umm…fuck people with them.  There’s not a whole lot else to say about it.  Finally, the days of deciding between a Wii party and an orgy are over.  You’ll never have to pick again.

This doesn’t seem to be the best marriage, as I don’t know any girls (or guys) that would want something shoved inside of them that their 8 year-old sister and her friends were probably playing with earlier in the afternoon.  Further, I don’t know anyone that plays Wii that thinks to themselves, “I really hope this controller I’m playing with was jammed inside of someone recently!”

Anyway, this thing exists and if you want to creep the hell out of a lover or small child, you can find more info about it right here.

God help us all.

Charlize Theron used to be one of the few go-to’s when it came to hot Hollywood actresses.  Not “actresses” like Megan Fox and Mischa Barton, but actual actresses that can, you know, act.  She was the toast of Tinseltown.  But then she did Monster and it totally ruined her for most every man in America.

Let’s end that chapter right now.  See this picture below?  Print it out and burn it.

You burn it good?  Awesome.  Now that we’ve disavowed any memory of her Oscar-winning turn in Monster, let’s get back to reason #1 why we like Charlize so much.  She’s smoking hot.  These pics don’t lie:

This is the first time in the history of printing that a little infographic like the ones in USA Today actually helped anyone.

Theirtoys.com, which is possibly a sex blog, has come up with this poster-sized number that contains 35 (mostly) useful tips that you can apply to your day-to-day life.  Everything from how to make a playlist that let’s you know when it’s time to get out of the house to how to get a beer ice-cold in three minutes appears here.

And if you have no interest in practical solutions or living more efficiently, they got you covered there, too.

Want to:

• Steal free hotel porn?
• Fuck over the customer behind you by rebooting the credit card swiper?
• Fuck over other elevator riders by going straight to your floor, regardless of what is pressed?
• Steal your next phone charger?

You can do all those things and more with the  help of one handy guide (which doesn’t explicitly say it, but appears to be made mostly for guys).

Here is a link to a full size version of the guide. (We’d show it here, but it doesn’t work well with our layout.)  So go forth and live your life slightly better!

While it can’t be all wine and roses, something tells us that runing one of the most popular strip clubs in one of the biggest cities in the world may not be such a bad gig.  In fact, it’s pretty aswesome. 

But a 21-hour day?   Unless you’resaving lives, is that really necessary?  If you are planning on maintaining Scores’ reputation, dealing with clients, and fighting an economic downturn where lapdances are probably the first thing to go, then yeah, it kind of is. 

Made Man recently chatted up Ed Norwick, the GM of the reputed joint.  The interview and other details can be found right here.