This is a guest post by Joseph Matthews from Art Of Approaching
It’s the age old question every “nice guy” ends up asking himself at one time or another…
“I’m a good guy, so why is it all the jerks get the women and I’m stuck being alone?”
Sometimes, it’s easy to believe that Jerks have some type of magical power that allows them to sucker women into liking them and somehow have them hang around while they treat them like dirt.
This happens SO MUCH, that some guys believe that they actually have to BECOME Jerks to get women attracted to them.
But make no mistake about it – nobody likes a jerk. Not even the women who date them! So if that’s the case, why is it obvious that they get so many girls to go for them?
Well, remember that Jerks tend to go through lots of women quickly. Most girls will only put up with Jerk behavior for so long before they get sick of it. And those who stick around have such low self esteem as it is, that they’ve formed some type of strange attachment to the emotional abuse Jerks doll out.
That said, there are a number of things Jerks do to attract women that make them effective seducers and pick up artists. And these are things that “nice guys” can do, and get the same results.
Here are the top 5 things Jerks do to get women, and how you can do them too – WITHOUT having to become a prick…
- Jerks are self-centered
One of the big things a Jerk has going for him is that he really doesn’t care about other people. In fact, his focus is almost entirely on his own pleasures, thoughts, and feelings.
Because of this, when he sees something he wants, he goes after it!
When your average “nice guy” sees a hot girl, he might be intimidated. He wants her to like him. He wants approval from her. In short – he cares about what she thinks!
But in addition to that, most guys care about what other’s think too! They worry about a girl rejecting them in front of other people, and what those people will think when they see it happen.
Jerks do not have this problem. They couldn’t care less about what other people are thinking. The Jerk is only focused on getting what he wants.
When you allow yourself to focus on your goals, and set aside fears of judgment from others, this gives you a great deal of focus, and as we all know, focus is KEY to achieving what we desire.
- Jerks aren’t afraid to approach women
The single, most important step in getting a woman is walking up to her and talking to her.
So many guys just DON’T DO THIS. They are too shy, or too intimidated by the girl to do so. Instead, they hang back and just stare at her like a big dummy, wishing he could find the balls to meet her.
Jerks don’t hesitate to approach a girl. They’re not worried about whether or not she’s going to like them, because THEY DON’T CARE.
They’re thinking about how hot it’s going to be to make out with her. They’re thinking about how much fun it will be to get her in bed. The LAST thing on their mind is “fear of rejection.” To a Jerk, if a girl rejects him, there’s something wrong with HER, not him. Nice guys will say “Oh, I’m too ugly, she doesn’t like me.” Jerks will say “That bitch is a total lesbian.”
Just the act of being able to approach a girl and start talking to her puts the Jerk at an advantage, because he’s interacting with the girl, and the “nice guy” isn’t. To the girl, the nice guy doesn’t exist!
That’s why women typically have such low opinions of men, because it’s always the Jerks who are approaching the women while the shy guys sit off in the corner!
Jerks realize it’s not the woman’s job to approach the guy. If you want something, you have to go after it.
So if the Nice Guys were to start walking up and talking to women, they might be surprised to find most women WELCOME their company and really want to meet a good fella to treat them right!
- Jerks don’t censor themselves
Part of the reason Jerks come off as fun, interesting, or exciting is because they aren’t worried about offending anybody. They will talk about whatever, joke about whatever, and even broach “sensitive” topics of conversation without a blink of an eye.
Too many “nice guys” hold back when they talk to a girl they like. They NEVER bring up sex. They don’t even joke about it. Heck, they don’t even display any sign they even LIKE the girl.
Because of this, the Nice Guys become the Boring Guys.
The Jerk will come along, make an off-color joke, tell the girl a racy story, and even MAKE FUN of the girl!
He could care less if he offends somebody. To the Jerk, he’s just doing what comes naturally to him. Attitude like this is like a breath of fresh air to many women, because they mistake it as “confidence.”
But the more they are around the Jerk, the more they realize it isn’t confidence at all – its just narcissism, and a complete lack of caring about others.
A nice guy would do well to “loosen up” when first meeting a girl and not try and please her so much, just like the Jerk does. But in the long term, it’s okay to care about what a girl thinks and be on your best behavior. But do this ONLY after you’ve created an attraction with her.
- Jerks are honest about what they want.
When a Jerk approaches a woman, he makes no bones about what he’s after. He flirts with her, lusts after her, and tries to convince her to come home and have sex with him.
The girl knows RIGHT AWAY what the Jerk wants, and after he’s made it clear, it is up to her to decide if she wants to give it to him.
If not, the Jerk moves on and finds another girl. If so, then the Jerk takes her by the hand and drags her off.
This type of honesty is actually appreciated by women. In contrast, you have the nice guys who try and fly under the radar by being an asexual “friend.” He hangs out, listens to the girl’s problems, tries to help her when she needs it, and then all of a sudden, he springs the fact on her that he’s deeply in love!
And the girl FREAKS OUT.
The reason for this is that the “nice guy,” in trying to not get rejected quickly by misrepresenting his intentions, has basically built a relationship with the girl based on LIES.
And because of that, the girl has already pegged him as a “friend.”
So when the guy wants to be ?more than friends,? the girl feels betrayed, because she?s become accustomed to thinking of him in a certain way, and now he?s demanding she look at him differently.
(Not surprisingly, shortly after this happens, most girls even stop being ?friends? with the guy!)
Nice guys should make their intentions clear from the start. Flirt with a girl. Let her know you like her and want to date her! If she rejects you, move on until you find a girl who likes what you have to offer.
That’s what the Jerks do, and it works out great for them!
- Jerks safeguard their self esteem
All too often, getting rejected from one girl will send a “nice guy” down a spiral of depression. His self esteem will hit rock bottom, and he’ll get depressed and withdraw for the rest of the night.
Jerks don’t suffer from this problem. They safeguard their self-esteem viciously, and don’t allow rejection to get them down.
This is why Jerks are Jerks! Because they will completely IGNORE rejection, and even go so far as to put down and ridicule other people to make themselves feel more important than they are.
This constant guarding of their self esteem allows them to keep pursuing their goals by not allowing them to fall into a funk of depression.
And no matter how you cut it – a guy with high self esteem is always way more attractive to women than a depressed loser.
For the average nice guy, it’s important not to take rejection personally. If a girl isn’t into you, it doesn’t mean you’re not attractive, or cool, or interesting – it just means that girl isn’t right for you!
So you keep looking for one that is, and you don’t stop until you find her.
Rejection can be a hard thing for anyone to deal with. But remember to keep a positive outlook. Instead of seeing it as “losing a girl,” think of it like “I just eliminated a girl who’d have wasted my time if I pursued her.”
You don’t need to ridicule or bad mouth others to feel good about yourself like Jerks do, but you should protect your self esteem as viciously as possible, because that will keep you going.
Understand – picking up women is a numbers game. The more women you meet, the more likely it is you’ll get one! Jerks succeed due to their tenacity and ability to play the numbers. Nice guys go for one or two women a night while Jerks hit up 20-30.
And it’s these five traits that allow them to do that!
But if you really want to learn the secrets of building your confidence, safeguarding your self esteem, and approaching women without getting rejected, you should head on over to my website and sign up for my free newsletter.
Every day, I send out advice and tips on how to be more confident and how to approach more women.
So click here to sign up for my free approaching women course.
And remember – you don’t have to be a Jerk to attract women! You just have to be the type of guy who isn’t afraid to go after what he wants.
Joseph Matthews is an expert in the dating advice field. Since 2004, he has been teaching men how to build their confidence and meet and date more women. He is the author of the best-selling book The Art Of Approaching. You can learn more about Joseph and his teachings by visiting his website at Art of Approaching.
P.S. Just A Guy Thing highly recommends The Art of Approaching. It’s one of the few books that will actually help you meet and pick-up women – no b.s.
photo credits: top Vincent Boiteau, middle PresleyJesus.
April 18th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
“Jerk’s”?
Learn how to use an apostrophe.
http://www.apostrophe.fsnet.co.uk/
April 20th, 2008 at 1:00 am
I don’t think I’ve ever seen this written so succinctly anywhere before – Nice job!
April 25th, 2008 at 1:33 am
that is a great explanation.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Well written. A good explaination ever seen.
May 5th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
This should be posted on the wall in every high school classroom. It is frightening how many young guys think that the way to a woman’s heart is being her close friend for years and then confessing your creepy, and often obsessive feelings about her.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:08 am
You got it right on the money. I wish I could find a woman who still believes a guy can be a good catch; they’ve all been scared off by the jerks and losers!!
DJ http://www.themodernman.com/top-5-mistakes_with_women.html
September 10th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Joe is probably one of those jerks. Putting everyone else down but himself.
October 31st, 2008 at 1:34 am
This site is very educational for a member of the opposite gender, such as myself.
The interesting thing is that most of the stuff on the site that guys should do (including watch the 101 movie list) I already do as a chick. Maybe that has something to do with me being a tomboy.
This article is interesting but not entirely accurate. From a chick’s point of view, I can tell you that some girls are shallow. They know what they are getting themselves into when they start a relationship (bad or not).
That’s why I do not have any sympathy for them. The slut like girls aren’t necessarily bad. One of my good friends Clair keeps a sex journal. I don’t think that woman has ever been in a relationship longer than a week. For her, it’s all about the thrill.
If you are a guy that wants to settle down or have a stable relationship, make sure that you are in that kind of relationship from the start. This can be achieved by asking a woman , girl, even an old lady (if you are in to such things) what they want out of the relationship.
People are funny. If you want a chick that likes action flicks, drinking beer, and hanging out with the guys, there are plenty of them out there. Trust me. Most of these chicks are my friends.
If you want a one night stand, interview a girl for that. There are plenty of girls (like my friend Clair) who would be more than willing to participate. The point is to be clear about what you want out of the relationship and go for it.
That’s just from a chick’s point of view. ^_-
November 10th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
As a female whose dated quite a few jerks, this is very true. I especially lose respect for a man who jsut talks aboiut sex right off the bat. But a lot of women like it. We are all different. But generally speaking, its true.
But not all the guys are the same, a lot just probally come off as jerks when they are not, due to being outspoken. That’s why people think I am a b eye tea sea ache.
November 17th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Joseph Matthews has written a GREAT article and all you nice guys out there should really re-read it and digest what hes stating. Im a “nice guy” that has a little twist on the way i approach women. Look at what the “jerk” does and take the positives out of it… play the numbers game and everytime a girl is not interested and does something stupid like make a nasty face, just walks away or anything in that nature.. ALWAYS know this, its not you its them. Talk about sex and use those words in the conversation like its normal (eventually it will be). Your confidence will be so high youll always be a winner! So pretty much be a jerk but not. (minus their flaws)
November 18th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
the only bit of good advice was the last one, I have tried everything you suggest to the best of my ability but girls only seem to think there is something wrong with me as a man because I have something other than sex on my mind
November 19th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
The article sounds good but then when you click the link(approaching women). The “jerk” in the video, who says what he want, turns out to be a loser. It is conflicting with what he just said in the article
November 23rd, 2008 at 10:03 pm
hi
the guys i meet are shllow and complete jerks they np problem making girl feel wothless
December 21st, 2008 at 11:38 am
i hate jerks i hope they rejected and learn from they mistakes that they assholes and always be.
December 31st, 2008 at 7:32 am
Interesting article, but a lot of it is crud.
1) ‘Nice guys’ don’t exist, we all have good and bad parts to our nature. Your typical ‘nice guy’ is BOUND to act like a complete ass at somepoint.
2) There’s no specific ‘attitude’ that girls go for. Every girl is attracted to different personalities. Some girls even like to be the ones doing the chasing!
3) ‘Nice guys’, be yourselves, and you will find someone who suits you perfectly. Confidence will not just come because you demand it to, or because you act like you don’t care. Learn to have a fulfilling life without a girlfriend, and the ease and confidence will come naturally. Be self-assured that you have a great life and are happy – and a girlfriend that complements your life will follow. Stop looking for someone who will stop you from being alone or ‘pathetic’ – that in itself is the highest order of patheticness.
Good luck!
January 7th, 2009 at 7:18 am
true don’t try to be a jerk, jerks suck just be yourself
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:09 pm
kristin did you read this thing very well? it said nice guys sit back in the corner, you probably havent met one if theyve all turned out to be total asses at some point. (not that you havent been an ass yourself cuz i know i have). regardless, people as a general statement are predictable. i think women are to much trouble anyhow and one of these days a gorgeous blonde that is obsessed with fishing is going to fall right into my lap. until then, happy hunting ill be the quiet one in the corner.
February 10th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Omg, the 4th one is so true! Guys, don’t try to sneak your way into a relationship ninja-style. Speaking from personal experience, don’t just try to be a girl’s friend when you want to be something more. We appreciate a little honesty. Let her know off the bat that you’re interested (but be classy about it) & that you’d like to get to know her better & become her friend.
February 11th, 2009 at 8:29 am
hi, can i repost this to my site? i’ll just mention you and your site for the credits. thanks!
February 11th, 2009 at 8:32 am
You can quote from the post, but please don’t repost the entire text. Thanks!
February 25th, 2009 at 3:55 am
This is a very biased review. You don’t have to be a jerk to meet women, just have a pair, and be yourself. If ‘yourself’ sucks, then don’t bother and just be a lonely loser for the rest of your life (guy or girl). Women like a man who is confident, competent, courteous, compassionate, and yes…COCKY! I think this is a poorly written review…
March 6th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
reply to Maggie who says (edited):
“Omg, the 4th one is so true! Guys… don?t just try to be a girl?s friend when you want to be something more… Let her know off the bat that you?re interested… & that you?d like to get to know her better & become her friend.”
Umm, Maggie this is confusing to me, and may illustrate why some guys do it wrong (as I used to). The first and second ‘friend’ references seem to contradict one another. Some of what follows is just for you, but some is a general post…
My upbringing strongly impressed on me that it’s best to avoid talking about sex with girls; they won’t like it because they don’t particularly like sex. (And let me tell you, that’s a cruel and crippling message to give a sensitive and impressionable young boy; it profoundly affects future relationships.)
That sex taboo confused me for years, since all I had left to expect with girls (or talking to them) was the romantic or friendship angle — which often left the *girl* confused and feeling misled if that wasn’t what I really wanted. (My shyness didn’t help, either.) I was great at being a friend, and “such a nice guy!” but got nowhere sexually and had only a few lasting girlfriends.
I understand now that a girl wants honesty and, contrary to my upbringing, that it’s *ok* to talk about (and to want) sex… that often that’s all *she* wants, as I later learned through several broken hearts. As long as I’m respectful of her comfort (which I always am, no matter the subject), honesty should trump everything.
I have an *idea* what you mean, Maggie — that if the guy wants more than friendship it’s best to be upfront about that *in addition to* being friendly — and I agree. But the way you worded it, I’m not sure.
These days, though I’m always friendly and respectful, I don’t try to *be* a friend, confidant and all-around Boy Scout if I’m just sexually attracted to a girl. I avoid pain on both sides if I’m taking better care of my own feelings, and especially not trying to hide the sexual ones. I’m still a great listener if she wants to talk, but I don’t suppress my own wants and needs anymore, and have even found that playful sex-talk is no longer so scary and sometimes has an obviously positive effect on her.
Incidentally, this clarity of intentions works both ways. In my experience, females (whether they want friendship, sex, or a romantic relationship) limit the expression of that desire to vague stop and go *signals*, leaving the guy to figure out all the right approaches. I no longer engage those who play that game. And I greatly appreciate and admire the girls who are willing to shoulder some of that burden and emotional risk by approaching *him*.
Few people want to hurt another or themselves, and clarity can be brutal if done insensitively or taken badly. So it can be a tough balance for everyone. For both genders, the ‘dance’ is exciting not just because it’s fun but because it’s a little scary, too. But I now know that ’scary’ doesn’t mean ’something to be avoided’. Quite the opposite.
October 5th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
I liked it but I also didn’t like it.
I liked it because of all the information in it.
I didn’t like it because it described my life perfectly. And that means I have a he’ll of a lot to change.
October 16th, 2009 at 10:08 am
A freind of mine is a “MR nice guy”
His engineer and a very good looking ,funny and has a strong and great personality.
He always gets a bad rejections from hot chicks.
Last week i was with him and he did talk with a chick and she trated him like a jerk. Yesterday walking around with him we saw the very same girl going out with a broken dirty jerk and she was kissing his hand WOW ? HOW COME ?
Here is my take on this:
HOT CHICKS goes after JERKS because thay have many things in common:
Both CHICKS and JERKS don”t like mathematics (AHHHH!! LOGIC)
Both CHICKS and JERKS want the easy way around (They hate to study or work hard)
Both JERKS and CHICKS think the same way and therefore tend to meet in the same places and feels much better being togheter.
the argument hear from blonds to stop me from thinking logically abut this is ”
“DID NOT CLICK” Okey ? ok so we hit the wall nothing you can do ?but wait
Will it click if i bring you a millionaire ? i bet it will 100% “click” so its not about click but is that most hot chick are attrackted to jerks because they have the same pattern of thinking .
Remeber that as a nice guy you can always be a jerk if you want ,but for a jerk its a very hard to be a gentelman
?
October 20th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Maybe the point of this article is for nice guys to have the traits of jerks but still keep their personality?
November 19th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
These dating tip sites are most likely true but not completely. If they are completely true then it sure is sad it works this way but I know almost as a fact that it is not completely true but it does give considerate advice to those who need it or are curious to the “irrational ways” women think lol. To my opinion, one of the biggest reasons women think the way they think is for the fact that this so called “modern society” has lead them to think. Consider what media usually tries to make individuals see on billboards, adds, television or any public place, ask yourselves this, are there any adds that promote good guys getting lucky with women? The answer to this is an obvious “no” and considering most women are already weak in the mind that certainly does not help the situation. I have a strong feeling that years ago when it was the seventies or even the sixties, finding a “hot chick” with values would be an easier task then it is of todays time. In this so called “modern society”, intelligence and character are no longer valued. The only thing that is valued is “money” which complicates every situation in life and has made more than half the world superficial idiots to my opinion. All I can say to this is “it is pretty sad to see what the world has come to”.
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:58 pm
This has helped me a lot. I’m what you call a “Nice Guy” and every thing you wrote was exactly what I needed to know. There are a couple of jerks at my school that get on my last nerve doing exactly what you said. What I never understood was what girls liked about jerks untill now. Thanks for the help.
PK
December 14th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
You are all wrong in different ways. The Jerk vs. Nice guy argument is sidestepping the issue, just like the new show on VH1 hte pickup artist is blatantly hoaxed. Most men who do well with women do so because of their temperament and personality. Having a good temperament means knowing when someone else is worth pursuing and when they are gleefully taking advantage of your time. It also means taking rejection with a grain of salt and moving on. Prioritizing and not time wasting. Level-headedness comes into the picture alongside. Having a good personality means being A) NOT boring. B) Mildly entertaining, without trying too hard. C) NOT annoying.
Usually somewhere along the line Nice guys mess up on one of the 3 in almost any given situation. Nonetheless, women like us men have a thing called “tastes”. If you don’t fit their particular tastes as into what their perception divvy’s you to be, then you’ll forever be stuck trying to figure out the who, what, where and why they aren’t taking a liking to you. Perception is critical when it comes to women. Not so much as it does with men. This is why famous men tend to fair much better with women than your everyday average Joe. They have a good perception with other people and women are very akin to this. This could be said the same for men with loads of money. Typically though, money loses it’s effectiveness if you factor in her not being attracted to the man in the first place, her having a poor perception of him and finally him not being interesting enough to pull anything together reasonably.
Finally, you CANNOT be nervous around women and fair well in general. This is always bad. Be yourself yes, but also beware of the bs.that people that people like to throw around. Experience is the only teacher for the weary unfortunately and nice men will have to undergo many bad experiences until they strike “the one” if they ever do. Women are not smart, but they are deceptive. The world is not a friendly place. If someone shows you no unpure motives then you have nothing to worry about. If however bad signs, BEWARE.
January 6th, 2010 at 4:39 pm
wow, i completely agree with this. one of the reasons its so hard for girls just to have guy friends. once they think they find one it turns out that it meant nothing. once the girl makes it clear she doesnt like him, the guy stops talking to her and moves on.
all guys should read this, because guys, us girls are suffering!!! cant find a good guy for our lives!
January 28th, 2010 at 7:36 pm
Good read. Some of the articles are also tackled in this site.
Read more. CLick to my name.