User login
The Art Of Flirting (And How To Do It)
Is your best pick up line "You must be a keg, because I wanna tap that ass?" If so, you need to learn to flirt like a real man. Now.
A lot of men struggle with the basic concept of flirting. I've seen it myself with friends looking to hook up with a girl in a bar who tried everything in their tired and clich?d arsenal of pick up lines. Believe it or not, the following quote is not going to help you get the girl:
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can?t hold it in. Source: CO-ED Magazine
The main problem guys have with flirting is that they relate it directly to sex. If I flirt with the girl for long enough, she's more likely to have sex with me. Women, on the other hand, view flirting as nothing more than some harmless fun with no determined end-game.
The differences between male and female flirting
Dutch-born psychoanalyst Manfred Kets de Vries blames the male super-ego. "A man behaving selfishly will ignore the implicit conduct of flirting in the blatant pursuit of sex." He's basically saying that if we were in a cave, the man would fling the woman over his shoulder and stomp away.
As far as human behaviours are concerned, flirting is the one that confuses us most. According to evolutionary psychologists flirting is man's way of engaging pleasurably with a member of the opposite sex, with the ultimate goal of reproduction. Now call me crazy, but most men looking to pick up a girl are not thinking about having children with the woman! Regardless, women view flirting as a way of checking out the merchandise without compromising their virtue. So women use flirting to get attention, and men use it to initiate sex - but how do you untangle this web of crossed wires?
The key to flirting successfully
You'd think that common sense might help you to flirt more successfully, but you'd be wrong. And here's why. Dr Antonio Darmasio, MD and head of neurology at the University of Iowa, claims that the reason it all goes wrong is because the process of flirting actually mimics brain damage. "The limbic system, responding to a cue that says 'this person is attractive', overrides the neo-cortex. Therefore, for a brief moment, we are completely out of control." Now this quote won't hold up in court should you ever get too out of control with a girl but it does explain why we struggle to flirt.
Understanding the brain's response to flirting should help us to engage with women on their level, rather than as a covert operation to get naked with her! Here are some ideas for flirting successfully without coming across like a sex-crazed lunatic:
Keep contact to a minimum. Nothing is more powerful in the flirting world than well-timed and placed body contact. Touching a woman should be the same as using your Diesel Fuel For Life aftershave. Use With Caution! If you overdo it, you'll appear overbearing and creepy. The best times to engage physical contact are when you're standing together or when putting her coat on. When standing together you can lean in close and place your hand on the small of hear back, as if you were telling her a secret. Putting her coat on at the end of the evening allows you to lift her hair up over the back of her coat. Very subtle and sensual but she will notice.
Avoid over-confidence. If you've got all the right words and know exactly what to say to get her interested in you, there is a danger that she'll take you as one of those slippery guys who have played women one too many times. She'll be imagining you as the guy who flirts for sport and prefers the thrill of the chase to the catch. I've known a few of these cads myself and although he was successful with the women, it never amounted to more than a one night stand. That's not being a man at all.
Don't play it too cool. Some guys prefer to take the 'mysterious and cool' approach by appearing dark and brooding from afar. This is all well and good but be aware than you have a limited window of opportunity to talk to her before you turn into the weird stalker who won't stop looking at her. Another downside to this method is the tendency to sit and watch as other guys attempt to talk to the object of your affection. Don't sit and sulk in the corner giving the death stare to any man who dares talk to your woman. You'll come across as jealous and lacking in self confidence. Both unbecoming character traits. Instead, enjoy your evening and when she is available, just head over and talk to her. It's really not rocket science!
Don't flirt with every girl in the bar. Women talk. With their friends and with strangers at the bar or in the toilet. Find a girl you're interested in and focus on her. If it doesn't work out then you might need to move on to the next place to find somebody else. Women will be extremely wary of a man who she has seen talking to other women in the club. You may be a masterful flirt, but you're seeking an audience and in the end you're only amusing yourself and are not really that interested in any of the women. They'll pick up on it and before you know it you'll be known as the annoying guy who sends dirty text messages an hour after meeting someone in a bar.
Technology and it's impact on flirting
Technology has added an entirely new dimension to the flirting game. You can now use text, e-mail and instant messenger to flirt, but you find yourself trying to become a wordsmith to formulate the perfect combination of words. It's now a digital minefield as well. However, I think that if used correctly, communicating in this way can help you to become more successful. Here's why:
You have time to think about your message. Rather than being put on the spot in a face-to-face setting, you have time to put together a message or a reply without having to do it immediately. This removes the pressure and allows you to flirt more effectively.
You can be more open via text. Things you would never dare to say in person can now be said through a message. The beauty of this is that if she takes it the wrong way you can say it was a joke but the message didn't convey the sarcastic tone intended (yes, I have used that before to get out of an inappropriate text) or you can be a little unscrupulous and just never speak to her again.
What you say in text messages often becomes what you say in real life. Back in the single days I was a bit of a master at the whole text flirting game, regularly with 4 or 5 women texting me at any given time. As my confidence grew, I found there was a great deal of transference from my text game to my face-to-face game. I was more open, more outrageous and more confident and the end result was that approaching women was easier and more successful than ever before.
Now, obviously I'm not a psychologist or psychoanalyst but I am a self-taught flirt with a lot of experience and a lot of success. My final advice to you is to flirt wherever you can. Build up your confidence talking to waitresses, barmaids, checkout girls, or even your friends mother! There's no harm in flirting and it will boost your confidence so that when you meet someone you really like, you know what to do.
If you've had some great flirting experiences or know a method that's worked wonders for you in the past, then let us know in the comments.
For more information on flirting and picking up women, Just A Guy Thing highly recommends The Art of Approaching, a no-nonsense guide to meeting girls that actually works.
photo credit: Glenn Loos-Austin
Hey Christian, I agree about
Hey Christian,
I agree about a lot of your points here, but I can't say that NOT flirting with a lot of women in the bar is a good idea. If you do, women will notice that you're not a lonely no-lifer, and that you are just having a good time. This gives your social value an incredibly big boost, and will set you miles ahead of most guys.
Otherwise great post :)
And congratulations on the recent digg(s), you've earned it!
[...] The Art Of Flirting
[...] The Art Of Flirting (And How To Do It) [...]
"Women, on the other hand,
"Women, on the other hand, view flirting as nothing more than some harmless fun with no determined end-game."
True - *unless* the flirt is happening between *her* man and another female - that's a call to arms. ;)
Great post!
the final segment kind of
the final segment kind of explains why i have started acting the way i have. i used to be real quiet in school, but i talked all the time to girls on the internet (here comes the whole "how do u know they were girls" thing...blah blah blah) anyway, now that i've been flirting on line for actually a number of years, and have also tried to make myself more open, i find that i cant shut myself up, but also have a tendency to push things too far.
word from the wise: dont talk too much. listen, respond, and add to the conversation. if you just talk however, you'll possibly be seen as some kind of weirdo/jerk
I can't say I agree with your
I can't say I agree with your advice.
Most of it comes across as bounding the flirter: Don't do this, don't do that... People reading a flirting guide also need advice on what to DO. Also it seems to culturally confined to the US and especially to bars and the like.
This guide, in my opinion, is much better: http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html
Chistian
If you need to bring out the
If you need to bring out the big guns, I've heard of a casual experiment someone did, with surprising results. A female friend took him to a bar, paid considerable attention to him, then left for 'a previous engagement.' Afterwards, he ended up having conversations with a small torrent of ladies who were watching the friend interact with him.
Interesting. Thanks for the
Interesting. Thanks for the wisdom!
Real macks do not need to be
Real macks do not need to be told how to flirt. Some people were simply born with the gift.
"Technology and it is impact
"Technology and it is impact on flirting"?
Buddy, that is not proper English. If you will be making fundamental mistakes like that I see no need to read this article.
The book, "Magic Bullets" by
The book, "Magic Bullets" by Savoy, has a complete method to picking up women.
"According to evolutionary
"According to evolutionary psychologists flirting is man?s way of engaging pleasurably with a member of the opposite sex, with the ultimate goal of reproduction. Now call me crazy, but most men looking to pick up a girl are not thinking about having children with the woman!"
If you look at it from a different point of view, it is very true. Like you said, men view flirting as a way of getting sex - and sex's ultimate purpose is reproduction. Most men looking to pick up a girl is thinking about sex - but not the consequence of sex. Their drive for sex comes because of the drive to lay your seed everywhere, to ensure that there is offspring (the biological meaning of life). Besides, evolutionary psychology calls upon the way people thought when people were much more primitive. Our society has come a long ways since then (with hefty consequences for having 20 children cuz you had too much unsafe sex), but evolution doesn't work that fast to change this instinct in just a few hundred years.
I feel if your comparing
I feel if your comparing multiple flirting guides, you might be trying too hard.
This article gets a couple of
This article gets a couple of things right, but a lot of things wrong.
Flirting with all the girls in the bar is a good thing. It builds what's known as social proof, which is one of, if not the most important element in picking up a woman. Aside from social proof, your two best friends are confidence and playfullness. Flirting isn't serious, so don't treat it s such. Girls aren't going to go home with the boring guy that doesn't smile, or joke with them.
God, I could go on for ages, but I have some Halo to play and some University to go to.
Go to www.pualifestyle.com to find a forum full of people who actually know what they're talking about.
I agree in most of what
I agree in most of what you've said, Christian, one thing I would like to add, if in a bar, or really anywhere where there's women, do not give one specific woman special treat, be as friendly with everyone, but only pay attention to the one you are after, little by little you add flirting to your conversations with HER, this will get you a date.
The more you show a woman you attracted to her, the more she will try to stay away, unless of course, you are irresistable ;).
Nice read, however to sum all
Nice read, however to sum all this up ?.
Confidence & Composure
Never gonna give you up!
Never gonna give you up!
You shouldnt have to flirt to
You shouldnt have to flirt to gain a women's trust or love. Real men don't need no advice how to handle women. I have had many girlfriends but never had to flirt or use some sort of pick up line to get them. Don't just put fake personality to get love. Be Yourself...
P.S: Bars perhaps the worst place to find a girlfriend. Even if she goes to the bar once a month..trust me I've had a lot of experience with girls from bars. No good at all.
There is some value to this
There is some value to this post but there are things that are really incorrect and will lead people to the wrong idea.
Keep contact to a minimum.
Do not be the guy that can not stop from fondling the girl. They do not like it. This is true but at the same time, jumping straight to the small of her back is a big leap. This is a very sensitive area for a girl (sensitive from the perspective of her personal space).
Instead, start touching her in a non-creepy way. Lightly, with open hand, on top of her hand or wrist, is a good starting point. Work your way from there. She will be used to you touching her by the time you touch her in more personally places. E.g., the small of her back.
Avoid over-confidence.
Do not be arrogant or they will not like you. Who likes an arrogant person. But there is nothing wrong with being confident and is actually encouraged when interacting with girls. Who wants a guy that is not confident. The comment about knowing a cad that was confident, but only had one night stands?. I am sure it was by his choice that there were like that.
Don?t play it too cool
This is spot on. How are you ever going to meet someone without interacting with them? Though, mysterious and cool will certainly make girls attracted to you, but you have to talk with them.
Don?t flirt with every girl in the bar.
This was the real reason I choose to even write anything. If you hold yourself confident, and are out talking with people, girls will think that you are a fun guy. If you flirt with a girl, other girls will see this and lets them know you are ?preselected-, or that you have other people interested in you. This drives girls attraction level towards you way up. If you are the guy that no one is talking to, no one else will want to. The last part is really bad. If you talk to a girl and it does not go well, leave the place? That is crazy.
If your looking for the keys
If your looking for the keys with anything to do with women. Look up PUA or Mystery method on Google... You will find all you ever will need... They have this stuff on lock down...
eyecontact and that "give a
eyecontact and that "give a shit veneer" are ever important. Gets women to say more than they would otherwise and opens the door for flirting to a greater extent.
"Back in the single days I
"Back in the single days I was a bit of a master at the whole text flirting game, regularly with 4 or 5 women texting me at any given time".... really now. Women are not trophies.
[...] a keg, because I wanna
[...] a keg, because I wanna tap that ass?” If so, you need to learn to flirt like a real man. Now.read more | digg story [...]
Avoid texting and emailing as
Avoid texting and emailing as much as possible. All texts and emails should convey only one message: Let's talk face to face. A girl will value 'face time' over anything said in emails/texts by a million times. Any chump can send an email/text. The only thing that matters is face to face.
This advice is really bad,
This advice is really bad, especially for people who currently suck at flirting. Ever since I started upping my physical contact and acting more confident, I've actually had success with girls (as opposed to before, where I was a hopeless geek).
and dont forget to tell her
and dont forget to tell her that you have a massive porn collection, and that you are a lvl 70 rouge in WoW and a lvl 100 warrior in RS.
[...] reading before this
[...] reading before this weekend: Original Story from Just A Guy Thing. Related PostsNo related posts Share [...]
It's interesting to create an
It's interesting to create an avatar (perhaps in Second Life) of a female, make her look really great, and then experience the whole "flirting" thing from the other side. You'll quickly see how slimy guys can be! :)
"According to evolutionary
"According to evolutionary psychologists flirting is man?s way of engaging pleasurably with a member of the opposite sex, with the ultimate goal of reproduction. Now call me crazy, but most men looking to pick up a girl are not thinking about having children with the woman!"
The key word here is "reproduction". Nowhere did he say "settling down with baby's-momma", but simply reproducing.
In biology, males lean towards the harem approach (like many males in the animal kingdom), impregnating anything that will let them, while the females try to bear the child of the strongest make candidate that they can find. This is because males have near-infinite resources (sperm), while females are very limited.
I read both articles (this
I read both articles (this and the link to the guide posted by Also Christian) and both of them are good.
Also Christian: the guides are different, so I dont think they can be compared. Christian's article (This one) is more of a short guide, with definitely good advice. The guide over at sirc.org is very good as well, although it's way more long an ellaborate, probably took a lot more time to write.
Any ways, read both of them. There's good advice here on what to do and what to avoid in case you think you're already good at flirting.
[...] a keg, because I wanna
[...] a keg, because I wanna tap that ass?” If so, you need to learn to flirt like a real man. Now.read more | digg [...]
Well some of the tips are
Well some of the tips are true but being a women I would like to know why every guy things of sex while flirting? We girls just want to have some fun when we flirt!
Tina
http://www.ekhichdi.com/index.php?topic=33.0
David DeAngelo says "one step
David DeAngelo says "one step forward, two steps back" if you go too fast and only forward you scare her off. check out "Double your Dating" it's awsome.
Amazing! Give me the secret
Amazing! Give me the secret manual as I'd to do what you've done. Man, it's tough doing the right thing.
I GUARANTEE that this dude
I GUARANTEE that this dude does not have game. There is some real bad advice in here. Guys, if you are interested in getting hot girls, then go to THIS website. This guy posts thorough articles on how to be an alpha male and get really hot girls.
http://www.nightlifeserenade.com
@Also Christian - This was
@Also Christian - This was never intended to be a full and indepth guide to flirting. More like an introduction to actually having the confidence to flirt.
@Nate - Thanks for taking the bait. ;) http://www.copyblogger.com/typos-and-misquotes/
@Action - At no point did I say be a boring old stiff and never smile. In fact, we have articles here, here, here and here in which we actively advise being outgoing and fun.
@Rick Astley - I love you.
@Simone - I wasn't bragging, just explaining where I'm coming from. :)
@Jeremy - It entirely depends on the type of physical contact I suppose. You're right about the confidence though - that's a must.
@Aman - David DeAngelo knows his stuff, no doubt.
@hanley - You guarantee that, huh? I think you may be missing the point here. My advice is to flirt in a gentlemanly way with the aim of actually engaging with someone and making a connection with them. Be it as friends or otherwise. Your site seems directly related to trying to score hot chicks which is not what this site is about, at all.
@Anyone I've missed - I read all of your comments and I appreciate them all. I apologise if sometimes I can't respond to each of you individually but with so many comments and so much to do it can be a challenge. Thanks for your support and please keep commenting. :)
-Christian
Needs a few examples...
Needs a few examples...
[...] The Art Of Flirting
[...] The Art Of Flirting (And How To Do It) | Just A Guy Thing Understanding the brain?s response to flirting should help us to engage with women on their level, rather than as a covert operation to get naked with her! Here are some ideas for flirting successfully without coming across like a sex-crazed lunatic: (tags: blog dating howto interesting life reference women) [...]
Christian, Gentlemanly
Christian,
Gentlemanly way? Honestly, who here knows that when we hear gentlemanly, it really means deep down, "I'm scared of being that guy I know I could be," but its just a sugarcoated name for it.
Nightlife Serenade can score you hot chicks and shows you how to socialize. But mainly all it is doing is showing you how to be confident and how to have everyone enjoy your company.
That's why I think http://www.nightlifeserenade.com is a place for anyone that is interested in turning their life totally upside down to the guy that you always wanted to be. Hardcore natural easy stuff that is so simple it's disgusting. But it's very powerful.
Christian, I personally wasn't expecting you to publish my comment, it almost seemed like an advertisement. I like that you did, it shows you aren't afraid of what others think.
One thing I found out really
One thing I found out really helps: don't think about ultimate goals. While there are the shallow type of women (and if you're attracted to those, we pity you), you will find that more often than not, engaging in meaningful conversation with a woman, will surprise you, with the depth and interest of their remarks or perspectives.
And I really mean it - engage in conversation with the purpose of actually listening to what she has to say, and you'll come across as interested and interesting. And if you don't take anything out of it, at least you had a nice talk. And if she proves to be shallow and boring, would you really want to wake up next morning besides her? :)
Try being yourself - that's what you're best at anyway, you do it all day. You'll be more confident, and will fare better. Find woman you enjoy talking to, find woman that do similar stuff to what you do (if you like playing snooker, finds one that does too), and you'll find out that your flirts will be far more enjoyable.
I do have a hard time finding woman that like playing table soccer, climbing, table tennis, drinking heavily, while at the same being into learning languages, new technologies and psychology. But hei... you got to start somewhere. :)
Needs a few examples?
Needs a few examples?
"She?ll be imagining you as
"She?ll be imagining you as the guy who flirts for sport and prefers the thrill of the chase to the catch. I?ve known a few of these cads myself and although he was successful with the women, it never amounted to more than a one night stand. That?s not being a man at all."
I am one of those "Cads" and you have generalized Womanizers worldwide. Most women are meant to be used, not loved. I realize you probably fall in love anytime a woman shows you the smallest bit of attention.
There are some women worth sacrificing for. But due to your inability to not to be in a relationship with any random short-legged, baseball-cap wearing, insecure broad, you will never discover then.
That being said, your obviously from a mid-level east coast town.
[...] Here’s the original
[...] Here’s the original link [...]
[...] Full Article Here [...]
[...] Full Article Here [...]
Awesome post...
Awesome post...
[...] Star Wars Love Letter -
[...] Star Wars Love Letter - Photobucket Underwear Technology For Men - Gawker The Art Of Flirting - Just A Guy Thing Was It Worth It? - Cajun Boy In The City FILED UNDER : Boinkable Links, Cajun Boy In The City, [...]
Great website!! Keep up the
Great website!! Keep up the good work!!
Flirting with a woman is an
Flirting with a woman is an art. Not an easily learned art, but an art that can be learned nonetheless. Thankfully, I've been blessed with the ability to be naturally flirty.. And it seems to work.. Or has so far;)
I would love to hear your
I would love to hear your opinion on the recent PUA community and your thoughts on that. Positive? Negative? Perhaps, you can create a post (or an article series) on it. You could make it awfully controversial within *that* scene--that is if you disagree. Nice post overall. I kinda agree with another commenter about places the positives or the "can dos" versus always citing the "don'ts".
[...] 7 Essential Habits Of A
[...] 7 Essential Habits Of A Successful Fitness Routine10 Things Your Dad Never Told You About SexThe Art Of Flirting (And How To Do It)How To Tip Like A Gentleman100 Great Movies Every Guy MUST SeeThe Top 5 Goriest Movie MomentsHow To [...]
[...] all over her body for
[...] all over her body for hours without the risk of any feminine backlash. Treat her like a gentleman, flirt with her and you will be able to do much more than cop a quick feel. If she?s too drunk, take care of her [...]