Image by maveric2003 *Image changed because she DID look like a 10 year-old girl!

A lot of men struggle with the basic concept of flirting. I’ve seen it myself with friends looking to hook up with a girl in a bar who tried everything in their tired and clichéd arsenal of pick up lines. Believe it or not, the following quote is not going to help you get the girl:

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in.

Source: CO-ED Magazine

The main problem guys have with flirting is that they relate it directly to sex. If I flirt with the girl for long enough, she’s more likely to have sex with me. Women, on the other hand, view flirting as nothing more than some harmless fun with no determined end-game.

The differences between male and female flirting

Dutch-born psychoanalyst Manfred Kets de Vries blames the male super-ego. “A man behaving selfishly will ignore the implicit conduct of flirting in the blatant pursuit of sex.” He’s basically saying that if we were in a cave, the man would fling the woman over his shoulder and stomp away.

As far as human behaviours are concerned, flirting is the one that confuses us most. According to evolutionary psychologists flirting is man’s way of engaging pleasurably with a member of the opposite sex, with the ultimate goal of reproduction. Now call me crazy, but most men looking to pick up a girl are not thinking about having children with the woman! Regardless, women view flirting as a way of checking out the merchandise without compromising their virtue. So women use flirting to get attention, and men use it to initiate sex - but how do you untangle this web of crossed wires?

The key to flirting successfully

You’d think that common sense might help you to flirt more successfully, but you’d be wrong. And here’s why. Dr Antonio Darmasio, MD and head of neurology at the University of Iowa, claims that the reason it all goes wrong is because the process of flirting actually mimics brain damage. “The limbic system, responding to a cue that says ‘this person is attractive’, overrides the neo-cortex. Therefore, for a brief moment, we are completely out of control.” Now this quote won’t hold up in court should you ever get too out of control with a girl but it does explain why we struggle to flirt.

Understanding the brain’s response to flirting should help us to engage with women on their level, rather than as a covert operation to get naked with her! Here are some ideas for flirting successfully without coming across like a sex-crazed lunatic:

• Keep contact to a minimum. Nothing is more powerful in the flirting world than well-timed and placed body contact. Touching a woman should be the same as using your Diesel Fuel For Life aftershave. Use With Caution! If you overdo it, you’ll appear overbearing and creepy. The best times to engage physical contact are when you’re standing together or when putting her coat on. When standing together you can lean in close and place your hand on the small of hear back, as if you were telling her a secret. Putting her coat on at the end of the evening allows you to lift her hair up over the back of her coat. Very subtle and sensual but she will notice.
• Avoid over-confidence. If you’ve got all the right words and know exactly what to say to get her interested in you, there is a danger that she’ll take you as one of those slippery guys who have played women one too many times. She’ll be imagining you as the guy who flirts for sport and prefers the thrill of the chase to the catch. I’ve known a few of these cads myself and although he was successful with the women, it never amounted to more than a one night stand. That’s not being a man at all.
• Don’t play it too cool. Some guys prefer to take the ‘mysterious and cool’ approach by appearing dark and brooding from afar. This is all well and good but be aware than you have a limited window of opportunity to talk to her before you turn into the weird stalker who won’t stop looking at her. Another downside to this method is the tendency to sit and watch as other guys attempt to talk to the object of your affection. Don’t sit and sulk in the corner giving the death stare to any man who dares talk to your woman. You’ll come across as jealous and lacking in self confidence. Both unbecoming character traits. Instead, enjoy your evening and when she is available, just head over and talk to her. It’s really not rocket science!
• Don’t flirt with every girl in the bar. Women talk. With their friends and with strangers at the bar or in the toilet. Find a girl you’re interested in and focus on her. If it doesn’t work out then you might need to move on to the next place to find somebody else. Women will be extremely wary of a man who she has seen talking to other women in the club. You may be a masterful flirt, but you’re seeking an audience and in the end you’re only amusing yourself and are not really that interested in any of the women. They’ll pick up on it and before you know it you’ll be known as the annoying guy who sends dirty text messages an hour after meeting someone in a bar.

Technology and it’s impact on flirting

Technology has added an entirely new dimension to the flirting game. You can now use text, e-mail and instant messenger to flirt, but you find yourself trying to become a wordsmith to formulate the perfect combination of words. It’s now a digital minefield as well. However, I think that if used correctly, communicating in this way can help you to become more successful. Here’s why:

• You have time to think about your message. Rather than being put on the spot in a face-to-face setting, you have time to put together a message or a reply without having to do it immediately. This removes the pressure and allows you to flirt more effectively.
• You can be more open via text. Things you would never dare to say in person can now be said through a message. The beauty of this is that if she takes it the wrong way you can say it was a joke but the message didn’t convey the sarcastic tone intended (yes, I have used that before to get out of an inappropriate text) or you can be a little unscrupulous and just never speak to her again.
• What you say in text messages often becomes what you say in real life. Back in the single days I was a bit of a master at the whole text flirting game, regularly with 4 or 5 women texting me at any given time. As my confidence grew, I found there was a great deal of transference from my text game to my face-to-face game. I was more open, more outrageous and more confident and the end result was that approaching women was easier and more successful than ever before.

Now, obviously I’m not a psychologist or psychoanalyst but I am a self-taught flirt with a lot of experience and a lot of success. My final advice to you is to flirt wherever you can. Build up your confidence talking to waitresses, barmaids, checkout girls, or even your friends mother! There’s no harm in flirting and it will boost your confidence so that when you meet someone you really like, you know what to do.

If you’ve had some great flirting experiences or know a method that’s worked wonders for you in the past, then let us know in the comments.

Image by Audrey M. Lehr

We’ve all been there haven’t we, fellas? You like a girl, you think she’s keen too, but you’re unsure of how to approach the subject and you end up saying nothing. It’s a common scenario that too many young men are finding themselves in when trying to court the fairer sex. We try to over analyse the situation and this only leads to more procrastination.

So What Do You Do?

Stop being a wimp, and start being a man! The beauty of being a man is that we act without first thinking of the consequences. Our greatest weakness is also our greatest strength! Using this mentality, we can break free from the shackles of this dating minefield and instead of thinking about asking women out, we can actually ask women out!

But What If She Says No?

So what if she says no!? Men’s men should have skin thicker than rhino hide. To use another animal analogy, it should be like water off a ducks back. Dating is nothing more than a numbers game. Of course you’re going to get shot down from time to time, but you need to get back on the horse and try again (there I go with the animal analogies again!).

Having the confidence to stroll up to a girl in a bar, not caring whether she lets you buy her a drink or not, instantly makes you more calm and assured. Believe it or not, women can sense that and let me tell you now – they find it an incredible turn-on!

Overcoming Your Dating Fears

It’s okay me telling you to just overcome your fears, but you need to know how to overcome those fears. I’m going to give you the three practical exercises that I found helped me most when I was a shy young man who found it very difficult to speak to women. Using these techniques, I have been able to overcome my fears of approaching random strangers and become a man’s man!

1. Learn how to talk to strangers in the street. Asking someone in the street what the time is could quite possibly be the easiest way ever to talk to a stranger. If they haven’t got a watch, you say thanks anyway and move on to someone else. Once you’ve asked a few people and you’re now fairly certain you know the time you can start to get a little more brave. Make a casual comment about the weather. If they respond, you can take it further and actually have a conversation with them. Another great way to talk to people is when you’re buying something from a store. Make passing comments while you’re being served. I’m forever telling the people that serve me about my day and what I’m doing next. Once you’re confident at talking to people in the street at this level, you wouldn’t believe how much easier it is to talk to them in pubs and clubs.
2. Practice on women you don’t find attractive. Men are not uncomfortable around women they don’t find attractive. Once you’re confident enough to talk to people in the street, move on to the pubs and clubs. Talking to strangers you’re not attracted to is incredibly easy. In fact, I’d say it’s no different to speaking to someone in the street. Socialising usually means meeting up with friends of friends and you get introduced to a lot of nice people who you’re not into. This makes it a perfect opportunity to ask them about their interests, their work and their favourite things. The experience of just talking to more women in a social setting is a massive step towards total self confidence.
3. Actually try to get rejected. Once you’re ready to start talking to women you actually find attractive, here is an amazing tip that can overcome all of your fears. Make getting rejected appear to be a success. Set out to get rejected by 10 women you find attractive the next time you go out. After you face your fear, you’ll find that it’s not actually as bad as you think. When you expect to be rejected, you’re not going to be disappointed. As your fears begin to subside, you’ll even be rewarded with the occasional “yes”.

My advice to you is to go out there and start talking to people today. Once you find yourself talking to strangers with no embarrassment or fear, you’ll find it extremely liberating.

I’d love to hear some success stories from your experiences of talking to strangers so, please, post a comment and tell us who you spoke to, what was said, and what the outcome was.

In next weeks Mans’ Man Guide To Dating, we’ll be exploring the 8 simple rules to follow when you finally get the date you’ve been looking for.

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