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Using science as an excuse to get tanked on booze has always been a dream of ours at the JAGT HQ, which is why writing this article was all the more satisfying. The thesis is simple; get drunk seven times and for each hangover, try a different ‘cure’ and report back on its effectiveness.

Our subject is a 25 year old male who has experienced some decline in his ability to recover quickly from a hangover. Let’s see what Wikipedia says he has to look forward to:

A hangover is associated with a variety of symptoms that may include dehydration, fatigue, headache, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, weakness, elevated body temperature, hypersalivation, difficulty concentrating, anxiety, irritability, sensitivity to light and noise, erratic motor functions, and trouble sleeping. Many people will also be repulsed by the thought or taste of alcohol during a hangover. The symptoms vary from person to person, and occasion to occasion, usually beginning several hours after drinking.

Looking at the extensive list of hangover symptoms only makes our relationship with beer all the more bittersweet. Let’s get stuck into the experiment and see how our subject got on.

Hangover Cure #1 - The hair of the dog

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The Myth

The colloquial English phrase “the hair of the dog that bit you” actually suggests alcohol itself as a form of treatment for a hangover. Scientifically, there is evidence that a hangover is not only the body removing toxins but also the body’s reaction to withdrawal of alcohol.

The Reality

“After a heavy night drinking, I wake up with a splitting headache and smelling like Robert Downey Jr. before rehab. The thought of drinking more alcohol is unbearable as the nausea sets in. Grudgingly, I crack open a bottle of Budweiser and sit, shaking, in my underwear as I sip the golden nectar in the interests of science. After 30 minutes I start to feel a lot better. Out comes another bottle and this one goes down a lot smoother than before. It’s not even 9am yet and temptation has me craving a third bottle of beer. I resist, and although I feel pretty good now it’s only a matter of time before the familiar symptoms creep back to ruin my day.”

The Conclusion

After trying the hair of the dog, our subject reported that he actually began to feel better. His headache subsided and the feeling of nausea passed. Unfortunately, once he’d finished drinking the symptoms came back just as strongly in the afternoon. By drinking a couple of beers he had merely delayed the inevitable. Now, if he had mixed himself a Bloody Mary, it might have been a different story.

Hangover Cure #2 - A big greasy breakfast

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The Myth

Here in England, ask anyone what the best hangover cure is and it’s very likely that they’ll say, “A big greasy fry up.” A fry up, also known as a Full English Breakfast is a traditionally cooked meal which is served in the morning and will include most of the following:

• Toast or fried bread
• Fried bacon
• Fried egg
• Sausages
• Fried or tinned tomatoes
• Fried mushrooms
• Baked beans
• Hash browns
• HP brown sauce and/or ketchup

While not exactly good for your heart, it is said that a full English can “soak up the alcohol”.

The Reality

“My head feels like I’ve been in a train wreck and to say my stomach is a little delicate would be an understatement. I don’t really feel like eating but the smell of the fried egg and bacon gets me salivating and my taste buds are on red alert. I apply a liberal amount of HP brown sauce to my bacon, sausage, eggs, baked beans, hash browns and tinned tomatoes and get stuck in like I haven’t eaten in weeks! To cap off a fantastic breakfast I wash the food down with a strong cup of tea. Half an hour after the breakfast, my nausea has all but vanished. My head, while still throbbing, doesn’t pound anywhere near as much as it did before I ate and any lethargy I felt when waking up has been replaced by a sudden surge of energy.”

The Conclusion

A pretty good result for this cure. The headache didn’t completely disappear but it subsided, along with nausea and laziness! Perhaps the Full English Breakfast really does soak up alcohol after all?

Hangover Cure #3 - Exercise

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The Myth

There is no denying that a workout makes you feel good. The endorphins are flowing, you clear your mind and your blood pumps through your veins. But is this a good idea after a heavy drinking session? Science states that exercise after a night on the tiles helps the heart pump blood around the body and increases the amount of oxygen in your body too. This, supposedly, flushes the impure toxins of the booze out of your system.

The Reality

“After arriving at the gym, I spend about ten minutes at the water cooler trying not to be sick psyching myself up. With plenty of water to hand, I finally get on and start at a light, steady pace. Surprisingly, my stamina is actually better than usual. I’m sweating like a nun in a cucumber patch but enjoying every second of the workout! After 30 minutes of moderate jogging I decide to call it a day. The walk home is borderline euphoric. If only I’d known that working out after a skinful was this rewarding; I would be built like a Greek god by now. A few hours after the gym however, my head is pounding and I feel exhausted and weak. My euphoric high has now been replaced with a depressive low. So much for the gym being the answer to my alcoholic prayers.”

The Conclusion

Working out seems to be a short term solution to the problem, but is the immense high of working out when you’re already dehydrated worth the physical risks and the manic low experienced by our test subject? Our verdict: no.

Hangover Cure #4 - Drinking water

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The Myth

Although technically a prevention rather than a remedy, drinking water before going to bed is the most common way to prevent a hangover from occurring. The science behind this is simple; excessive drinking leaves your body dehydrated. Replenishing your body by drinking water is the logical way to counteract this. Let’s see if it worked.

The Reality

“After ten pints and a couple of shots, I stumble home in a drunken stupor. I almost head straight for bed before I remember there is something I’m supposed to do. What the hell is it? Oh yes, I need to drink lots and lots of water. I grab my ‘Worlds Greatest Lover’ pint glass and fill it with water. Somehow a pool of water appears on the floor too. Never mind, the girlfriend will sort that out. I refill three times and force the non-alcoholic liquid down my throat. I feel bloated and sleepy. I burp quickly before heading to bed. The next morning I wake up at 9am and lie there for a moment. No nausea, no lethargy, a very slight headache but nothing I can’t handle. ‘It’s a miracle!’ I proclaim as I get out of bed. Oh no….dizziness sets in and I lose my balance and bounce against the wardrobe door. It passes quickly but now the headache is more noticeable. I don’t feel terrible, but I don’t feel great either.”

The Conclusion

There is no questioning that drinking plenty of water both during, and after, your drinking session will be of great benefit the morning after. Our subject suffered slight dizziness and lack of balance, but after ten pints and a few shots, this is actually quite a good result.

Hangover Cure #5 - Over the counter hangover pills

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The Myth

Over the counter dietary supplement RU-21 contains the active ingredient succinic acid, an extract of amber. The penis enlargement internet marketers have jumped on the bandwagon and now tout the pill as a miracle cure for alcohol hangovers. Supposedly developed by Soviet scientists for the KGB, this ‘wonder drug’ apparently metabolizes the alcohol in your body. Urban legend says that it was intended for use by KGB spies to drink heavily with suspected Western spies so that they could remain sober and potentially obtain secrets from their drunken counterparts. When that didn’t work, tests showed it could lessen a hangover. Let’s see.

The Reality

“I had decided beforehand that to fully test this pill I’d need to drink more alcohol than I had ever drunk in my life before. Heading to the local watering hole I started gradually with a couple of bottles of Corona and lime. Then I downed two pints of Carling lager before my mate came over and challenged me to pick up the pace. Necking a double vodka and coke I summoned the barman to provide me with two shots of tequila and a beer to wash it down. Amidst this I was popping the odd ‘dietary pill’ and drawing concerned looks from the locals. Stepping up a gear I drank, in quick succession, a depth charge, two shots of some disgusting apple liquid, an Aftershock and a Southern Comfort and coke. I finished the evening off with a bottle of Bud and a shot of absinthe. (I remember everything I drunk because I wrote it down, thankfully) The next morning I woke up feeling like I’d been hit in the face by a sledgehammer and proceeded to be ‘violently ill’ in the bathroom. This experiment was an absolute disaster and I would gladly accept death to stop the pain.”

The Conclusion

Upon further research, it is documented that the pill “is not for binge drinkers”. It apparently works best when drinking in moderation. Call us cynical but isn’t that the kind of drinking that means you barely even get a hangover, thus ensuring that the drug can never be discounted as a placebo, created by a charlatan to take money from the unsuspecting public?

Hangover Cure #6 - Back To The Future Wake-Up Juice

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The Myth

In Back To The Future: Part 3, Doc Brown gets smashed on whiskey after losing the love of his life. Mad Dog Tannen is on his way to six-shoot Marty and the Doc to an early grave and the lovable scientist has passed out at the bar. The bar tender Chester puts together an antidote to alcohol called wake-up juice. The BTTF wiki claims this juice includes tabasco sauce, cayenne pepper, chili peppers, onion, and mustard seed. We bought and blended the ingredients to test out on our unsuspecting subject.

The Reality

“‘What’s in it?’ I ask gingerly as I walk into the kitchen nursing the hangover from hell. My tormentor just smiles and hits level 3 on the blender. My head reacts badly and I wince at the sound of the blades liquidizing the blood-red concoction. After what seems like an eternity I’m handed a half-pint glass of the most disgusting looking drink I have ever seen in my life. I feel like a prisoner of war as I’m instructed to neck the whole thing in one go. I take a deep breath and fling my head back, gulping down the cocktail of god-knows-what. At first I feel nothing. But then, from the bottom of my throat up and into my mouth and my lips, all I feel is heat. I’m burning from the inside with a very distinct bitter taste. I reach for the tap but nothing comes out They cut the taps to ensure the experiment goes as planned! I gag and heave and after what seems like an eternity I prepare myself for the humiliation of vomiting on the kitchen floor, just as the taps come back on and I engulf my head in water, lapping at the faucet like a dog after a long walk. Thirty minutes later and the headache still pounds through my skill, my stomach is more volatile than ever and my lips still tingle with the hint of tabasco sauce. I’m never drinking again.”

The conclusion

It seems that with all their millions of dollars, Hollywood can put together some fantastic sets, amazing visual effects and some great guy movies, but they can’t create a cure for a hangover.

Hangover Cure #7 - Vomiting

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The Myth

Another prevention which is supposed to be done prior to sleeping, vomiting has been the hangover prevention of choice for frat boys for decades now. The science says that vomiting is the bodies natural way of getting rid of toxins quickly. Oh, there is also the slight risk of dehydration and electrolyte imbalances. Nevertheless, we sent our intrepid subject out to vomit in the name of science.

The Reality

“After a marathon drinking session which started at the local pub, I began my quest to have a drink (or two) in each bar leading into town - a mile long stretch in total - before arriving at a nightclub ten pints later for some serious drinking. Cue shots of vodka, whiskey, tequila, ouzo, absinthe and Aftershock - all in the name of science. I don’t remember getting home, but what I do remember is being wrapped around the toilet for the better part of the night. I awoke in the morning to find myself sleeping on the floor next to the bed. I ached but my head felt fine. My stomach felt pretty solid and I had a big bacon sandwich and cup of coffee to pick me up. I was feeling great with the only downside being my lack of desire to do anything. I lay in bed playing XBox and nothing short of a natural disaster was going to get me out of my underpants. Of course, I’d rather feel bad than have to clean up the festering mess that still exists in and around the toilet bowl!”

The Conclusion

Being sick after a heavy session seems to greatly reduce the effects of a hangover the next morning. It doesn’t reduce the lethargy though and the health risks of regularly making yourself sick means that we recommend leaving self-induced vomiting to Nicole Ritchie and the Olsen twins.

The final hangover summary

Of the seven remedies trialled by our resident guinea pig, we asked him to choose the most effective cure for a hangover. His answer: A Full English Breakfast. Now, after all this science mumbo-jumbo we’re gonna head off and get a few beers, while eating….a full english breakfast. In the meantime, drop your best hangover remedies in the comments. We can’t live without the booze, so we might as well share ways to enjoy all of the positives while reducing the negatives. Cheers.

As any popular man-about-town will tell you, there is a fine art to bar hopping that can be the difference between social stardom and social suicide. That being said, if you spend too much time worrying about the ‘Golden Rules’ of bar hopping then you’ll most likely lose the fun factor of actually going out and mingling in the first place. This article isn’t intended to ensure you follow each rule religiously. Instead, we’ve compiled a set of guidelines that can help to make your evening a success. So go out, have fun, socialize, drink, be merry and live your life to the fullest using our Man-About-Town Guide To Effective Bar Hopping.

Organization and Transport

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Okay, we’ll get the boring bit over with right off the bat because most people don’t really care about how they’re getting to the club or where they’re meeting their friends. However, I’ve seen many a good night ruined because of poor planning ahead of the event. At the very least you need to know where your friends are going to be. Arranging a time and place before going out is essential because once you’re in a bar and it’s loud and crowded, your friends might not hear their phone going off. Before you know it you’re spending half the night going to different bars and clubs trying to find them. Once you do, you’ve already lost the party mood and the night is wasted.

You might also want to arrange car sharing or splitting the cost of a taxi between as many friends as possible. Not only do you get to have fun and games while you’re heading out to the bars, you’ll also save valuable beer money by cutting the costs. This is all fairly common sense but you would be surprised how many people don’t plan ahead and end up having a terrible time as a result. I’m not saying you need to prepare a full-on social tactical mission, but a few minutes calling your friends can make all the difference.

You’re going to need to stay connected to the guys throughout the night as well, so use text messages to communicate if you ever get lost. I’ll never forget the time I was looking for my friend in a crowded club and he got me on a 3G video call while he was ‘getting acquainted’ with a girl in the toilets. Absolutely legendary.

Choose the cheapest place first

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Whatever town or city or country you’re partying in, there is always at least one bar with cheap alcohol on offer. This should be your first point of call to start the evening with a bang. Getting merry here will save you a fortune later, especially if you’re going to a nightclub where they charge extortionate amounts for bottled water let alone your triple-JD and coke. This is the ideal place for you to buy the rounds (if you and your friends do the rounds thing) because it will be cheaper than at venues later in the evening.

You can also take this time to catch up with your friends on their day and generally just have a good time while inebriating yourself. Later, when you might well be looking to court a young woman - you can be confident that you won’t offend your friends by leaving them to their own devices.

How to get the barman’s attention

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One of the best skills in your arsenal is being able to get the barman’s attention quickly at an overcrowded bar. I’ve seen friends of mine ignored for up to 10 minutes while trying to get just one drink for themselves. If you’re female it seems so much easier because leaning forward to show just a hint of ample cleavage is enough for most red-blooded barmen to be over like a shot. For the guys, it’s a little more difficult.

Leaning forward while holding your money in a prominent position seems to work well. It signifies your intent to buy and many bartenders will acknowledge that. Another way is to become friendly with the bartenders outside of peak times. Perhaps visit a few bars earlier in the evening for a few weeks and get to know them on a name-to-name basis. You could also tip them like a gentleman after the first round, encouraging them to be more prompt with their service next time you get the drinks in.

Play drinking games to get the party started

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There’s nothing like a good drinking game to liven up the mood and atmosphere to have a great night. Sure, you could sit around and talk while drinking and you’d still have a bit of fun and get drunk - but wouldn’t you prefer the challenge of a competitive drinking game? How much would you give to be the only Centurion standing (the only guy to drink 100 shots of beer in 100 minutes without puking/peeing)?

Drinking games add variety to any evening and, since you’ll get pretty drunk, tend to make it a whole lot more entertaining. As always though, alcohol is best consumed responsibly. [Had to put that disclaimer out there, just in case.]

Always dance like a man

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The problem with bar hopping is that with the power of alcohol comes great responsibility. The responsibility that you owe yourself to not dance like this guy:

Now if you’ve got the moves then by all means use them. Personally, I tend to favor the Will Smith á la Hitch school of dancing. Sidestepping left and right with minimal movement, keeping to the rhythm of the music. Of course once alcohol has lubricated my joints, my hips become possessed and I look like Shakira in a hurricane, so I obviously try to downplay my dancing as much as possible.

Choose spots with a favorable Girl:Guy ratio

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Whoever coined the expression ‘bros before hoes’ obviously didn’t have a snowball in hells chance of getting some. You’ll want to pick a bar/club with a favorable girl to guy ratio. As a friend of mine so eloquently put it, “Nobody wants to bar hop with a sausage fest of dudes!”

Once you pick a decent place and you’ve got good odds you can start to make a beeline for the ladies. Ideally, you’d want to hook up with a similar size group to you and your friends and have a good old merry time together. If you do pair off with a broad be sure to make her laugh and she’ll love you for it. If you’re out to get incredibly drunk with your friends however, get her number and get back to your pals. You don’t want to be dribbling all over her in a drunken stupor later in the evening because that will just about ruin your chances of getting anywhere with her.

Handling bouncers

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Bouncers can be the bane of your life if you let them. The majority of doormen I’ve met are ego-driven men on a serious power trip. The best way to deal with them is to remain polite and friendly with them as much as possible. These guys are practically looking for an excuse to give you a good kicking. If, for some reason, you get refused entry to the club - just be calm and collected and leave with your head held high. (Take a few hot women from the queue with you if you can)

I’ve often found that befriending bouncers in the same kind of way as befriending a bartender can help you to get preferential treatment too. I’ve regularly found myself jumping the queue and sometimes even land an entry to the VIP section. I did it by tipping a couple of bouncers and then striking up a conversation with them about how often they get tips and what time they are working till etc. Once I’m on first name terms with a bouncer, it’s much easier to swan up to them and be like “Hey Chuck” while walking straight past the queue of 10 people waiting to get in.

The pre-gaming ritual

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Pre-gaming can be as much fun as, if not more so, than going out itself. It involves a group of friends meeting up earlier in the day to drink, be merry and enjoy some quality male bonding before you head off the the club. You buy-in large quantities of alcohol for low prices and proceed to get plastered at a fraction of the cost of drinks in a bar. It’s the perfect warm up.

A personal favorite for me and my friends is to put on an action movie and for every gunshot, explosion and fight scene - you take a shot of your chosen poison. It’s fun, entertaining, and it can get you totally wrecked in no time at all. The only bad pre-gaming experience I had was when a few of the guys made a bet with my friend Rob. All he had to do was neck a pint of vodka and his drinks would be bought for him all evening. He did the bet and seemed fine….until we got outside and the fresh air hit him. He didn’t make it out with us that night but it did made for a pretty great pre-gaming story!

Always carry enough cash

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Not all bars and clubs allow you to paid by card and sometimes, you can be in the middle of nowhere which means no ATM either. You’ll need to carry some cash in your wallet for buying rounds and getting into clubs too. In fact, I often take out the amount of cash I want to spend that evening and then leave all bank cards at home. Like most men, when I get drunk I can sometimes throw caution to the wind and buy a round for everyone, including the porn star I’ve just met and the entire cast of Shaving Ryan’s Privates.

You also need to be careful that you don’t flaunt your money around because there are always unscrupulous people out there who will be looking to take advantage of your drunken state.

Always dress to impress

Although many bars allow you to get in wearing a hoodie and sneakers, that’s not going to win any style awards is it? I always dress up and take care with my appearance because you never know where the evening will take you. Always wear shoes because if you do end up going to a club, you often won’t get in with sneakers on.

What else? A smart and fashionable shirt tends to work well with jeans and shoes for a smart casual look. Novelty shirts are never acceptable by my standards, but you can if you’d like wear one to a house party. Never, ever at a bar though.

Don’t get too drunk to function

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A lot of guys seem to get thrown out of bars for ungentlemanly behavior. Whether it’s passing out at the bar, puking up in the urinals or copping a feel of the gorgeous blonde in the miniskirt; alcohol makes us do some crazy stuff! The fact is that if you overdo the boozing you could end up on the receiving end of a drunken shaming. Something no self respecting bachelor wants floating around on YouTube:

I remember one occasion when I was incredibly drunk and for some reason decided I wanted to get another drink. At the bar this attractive looking girl was all over me and hitting on me. She was grabbing my butt, kissing my neck and stroking my thigh. I thought the night was going to have a happy ending until I came to pay for the drink I’d ordered. My wallet was gone and so was the object of my affections. She’d stolen my wallet from my pocket right under my drunken nose!

Nobody wants to be the idiot with an Abe Lincoln beard on YouTube or to get their wallet stolen by a hot kleptomaniac, do they?

Leave a message in the comments with any tips or advice you have for becoming a bar-hopping messiah and if you’ve got any good drunken shaming stories/videos/pictures then feel free to share them too.