How To Rectify Appalling Grooming Atrocities
Your flawless reputation could all come crashing down like a house of cards if your shoulders look like the Swiss Alps and you smell like a yeti. Banish your grooming atrocities today!
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You could be the most well-dressed man in the world with an amazing charisma, a magnetic personality and the charm to get any woman or any job you like - but it could all come crashing down like a house of cards if your shoulders look like the Swiss Alps. Grooming is often overlooked and unless you actually want to smell like a sweaty wilderbeast, you should pay at least a little attention to your personal hygiene.
Here's a quick guide to banishing the likes of body-odors and bad breath. Trust me, you'll thank us for it later.
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There's nothing more disgusting than talking to someone in close proximity and witnessing your eyebrows fall from your face due to extreme halitosis. Sometimes bad breath can be a sign of a kidney infection, so if your toxic fumes don't go away after vigorous tooth brushing and tongue scraping, a trip to the doctor may be in order. Also try to chew sugar-free gum because sugar is known to exaggerate bad breath. Try a bottle of breath freshener instead.
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Skin flare-ups can be triggered by any number of things, the most common of which is too much ale and a reaction to shower gels. Unless you want to look like a scabies-infested hobo, you should treat serious skin reactions with an intensive repair lotion. Eucerin's Redness Relief also uses green pigment to cancel out the redness of your skin and leaves you looking a lot less like you've been scrubbing yourself with a wire brush.
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While there are a few rare women who revel in the musty smell of a mans arm pits, the vast majority prefer you to not fester in your own juices. If you're an extreme sweater, you can paralyse the sweat glands with botox. If that's too metrosexual for you, don't sweat it (excuse the pun). Stick to wearing natural, loose fitting fabrics and keep the colors dark to avoid the circle of death under your arms. A cold shower after exercising will close the sweat pores and wash off odor-causing bacteria. A hardcore antiperspirant is also essential.
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If your feet still stink after you've cleaned them, you could be a victim of athlete's foot. Which is ironic if the only exercise you do is getting the beer from the fridge. It can be easily treated using foot gel to kill the odors instead of just covering them up. You can also whack on some foot spray to really show that bacteria who the man is.
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Looking like a ski slope in the south of France is unbecoming for anyone and people will avoid you like it's contagious. The cause of dandruff is an imbalance in the scalp's PH level. Sooth your inflamed noggin by applying a pre-shampoo treatment and then avoid further snowy days by regularly using a dandruff lotion.
Okay fellas, it's your turn. What's your worst grooming atrocity? Ear fungus? Lice in your beard? We want to know! Ladies, feel free to chip in and reveal your mans worst habits.