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How To Deal With Your Poor Friends (Relax, It's Satire!)
Hunter Cooper’s Guide to Poor People
So your best buddy is hilarious, smart, and, most importantly, gets you. One problem. Your best friend is poor.
Not like food-stamps-and-football-jersey poor, but I-have-to-live-off-my-salary-poor. Or I have student-fucking-loans poor. In short, these are people who can’t live off the interest, but have to (shudder) touch the principle. So gross.
Here are some rules on dealing with your poor friend:
RULE No. 1: Don’t Spend Holidays With Your Poor Friend’s Family True story: A friend of mine at Exeter (we’ll call him William) decided to fuck going back home for Thanksgiving and thought it’d be a rad time to kick it with Conner over Thanksgiving.
Conner was cool and William couldn’t imagine why it wouldn’t be awesome, but holy shit, did he find out. Upon entrance to Conner’s one-story house, Alfredo couldn’t help but notice the overwhelming smell of cats.
Passing a book case filled with James Patterson’s latest 15 novels, Alfredo was forced to fucking hug each member of Conner’s family. After that shit was over, Conner’s mom went back to cooking the food herself. I’m not even going to guess the help left early. I’m going to assume there was no help. And, especially, no help for poor William.
After the cold, hard reality hit that he was, indeed, in a poor person’s home, he was comforted by the nice 42-inch flat screen television hanging from the wall in the living room.
Which leads us to:
RULE No. 2: Don’t Assume That Just Because There’s A Flat Screen In The Living Room That There Is Also A Flat Screen In Your Guest Room That’s right; after the home-made turkey, and hearing Conner’s dad complain about his boss, and getting caught up on what people who talk on talk radio had to say about events, William retired to the guest room to find a television thicker than the hyperbole Conner’s dad saved for “Two and Half Men.” This was no flat screen in his guest room. So did he run to his bathroom to throw up?
No, because to go to the bathroom he would have to leave his room and walk down the hall to the shared bathroom. Okay, so don’t go vacation at a poor person’s home. No biggie. But what if you want to go to dinner with one? That’s fine, just as long as you remember…
RULE No. 3: Splitting the Check Can Be a Big Deal If The Cost Of Their Meal Wasn’t Exactly Half of Yours
If you want your Kobe beef and Maccallan 18, you best have an iPhone check-sharing app, cause they won’t be able to do that math on their Motorolla RAZR.
This goes triple for breakfast, when a $30 breakfast for four can be tripled by a penchant for screwdrivers and valet parking at the popular brunch place.
RULE No. 4: Don’t Freak Out When They Tell You They’re Running Low On Minutes
It’s a cell phone thing. They aren’t dying or anything.
RULE No. 5: Don’t Laugh When They Get A Tiny Bit Of Money And Think It’s A Lot
True story, our friend Mosely once inherited $5,000. After coming across this money, he started to act like a goddamn Rockefeller. He was talking about his portfolio and vacations like he was pooping Benjamins. We showed him how fleeting money is by stealing it to prove a point.
RULE No. 6: Figure Out And Memorize The Day’s Gas Prices And Talk About How Crazy They Are
Poor people love this topic for some reason. Be sure to shake your head every time someone mentions the price going over $4 a gallon or whatever.
RULE No. 7: If You Have To Use An ATM In Front Of A Poor Friend, Act Like The “Crazy” Surcharge Makes You Fucking Livid
Similar to No. 6, nothing gets a poor person riled up like being charged an extra dollar for something.
RULE No. 8: Try To Understand How Important Costco Is To Them
We have no idea why poor people love to buy things at 10 times the normal size but they fucking love it. There are also really cheap hot dogs there.
RULE No. 9: If They Refer to “Their Accountants”, They Probably Mean H&R Block
It’s kind of like a Blockbuster Video that’s full of accountants.
RULE No. 10: To Them, Black Friday Is A Good Thing Despite the name and the fact that you’re getting up at 5 am to buy stuff that is going to be on sale for the next 40 days.
RULE No. 11: Pretend A Time-Share Is The Same Thing As A Real House And Shouldn’t Be Mocked
And don’t be surprised if they want to go out and celebrate when the finalize this “real estate deal.”
RULE No. 12: When They Are Telling A Story About “The Flight From Hell,” They Probably Mean A Commercial Flight
Just nod knowingly. Apparently, this type of air travel is wrought with inconveniences, providing delightfully accessible fodder for stand-up comedians.
RULE No. 13: These People Have “Workout Buddies” Rather Than Personal Trainers
It’s tantamount to having a “steady-handed friend” instead of a surgeon, but they do it nonetheless. And finally, the most ridiculous aspect of being friends with a poor person:
RULE No. 14: Sometimes They Have Grills with Charcoal in Them
I swear to God, I’m not making that up.