(I filed this under "Fine Living" because I didn't know what the fuck else to do with it.)

I'm not sure exactly how this thing will wipe out mankind. I only know that it will. And when it does, I will sit there nodding, saying something like, "Yeah. This seems about right," seconds before it grabs me with its 160-ft poisonous tentacles and drags me towards its 20-ft diameter body, then crams me in its mouth, which, knowing my luck, is also probably its asshole. 

There is no doubt in my mind that these things can fly helicopters, create "On-the-go" playlists on their iPods for parties, and probably have an opinion on that Real Housewife of New Jersey that flipped that table a year or two ago. 

Until a few days ago, scientists only theorized that these bastards were bombing around the ocean. No one believed them until we saw this photo, which is what we in the industry call "hubris." 

In unrelated news, I'm moving back in with my mom until these things jellyfish are proven to be a hoax or rendered extinct.