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Summer is fast approaching us and there is a terrifying possibility looming over you: you might have to take your t-shirt off to reveal a full years worth of paunch to a beach packed with sexy babes and ripped-like-Jesus gym rats. Kids will cry. Women will stare. Men will laugh.
There are, however, a number of extreme (and mostly stupid) fad diets to help you to shift your flab in double quick time. We’ve gone through untested, occasionally illegal and often life-threatening methods for weight loss and we’re presenting six of our favorites.
Extremely Stupid Fad Diet #1 – The Lemonade Diet
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The recipe
- Lemon juice
- Cayenne pepper
- Maple syrup
- Water
The diet history
The lemonade diet was brought into the mainstream by a certain Miss Beyonce Knowles, who wanted to take some junk out of her trunk before filming the flick Dream Girls. Originally named The Master Cleanser Diet, it was created in 1941 by Stanley Burroughs, a health therapist once charged with second-degree murder after a patient died from one of his treatments. The diet eliminate toxins and congestion that have built up in the body and, because you don’t get a complete source of macro-nutrients, it is actually consider fasting rather than a diet.
Does it work?
Well, Beyonce lost 22lbs in 14 days on the diet and a whole host of celebs and normal everyday folk report good results with the diet. The only downsides are feeling lethargic, depressed, lacking focus, dizziness, nausea and the possibility of death. So, good short term weight loss, but the possibility of death makes this a bit of a risk.
Extremely Stupid Fad Diet #2 – The Raw Food Diet
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The recipe
- Errr, raw food…
The diet history
The raw food diet has been promoted by new-age hippie types since the early 1900’s. If you have to cook it over 116°F, you can’t eat it. The raw food evangelists claim that the diet predates the discovery of fire, so it’s natural for the human body.
Does it work?
Personal development guru Steve Pavlina conducted a Raw Food Diet Trial throughout January. He lost 8lbs during the month and 1.8% body fat so the diet definitely works. Be prepared for incredibly dry, cracked and itchy skin, odd-colored poop, extreme boredom and any number of the following symptoms; bad breath, chills, headaches, daytime drowsiness, mental fogginess, concentration problems, low libido, and an unstable yo-yoing of your alertness and emotional states. That said, after the initial adaptation phase, Steve indicated that he felt consistently good on this diet and improved his muscular endurance and his mental focus as a result.
Extremely Stupid Fad Diet #3 – The Backwards Diet
The recipe
- Eat dinner for breakfast
- Regular meal for lunch
- Eat breakfast for dinner
The diet history
Florida porker Tricia Cunningham lost about 170lbs by creating her own ‘reverse’ diet. Like the old adage says, “Eat like a king in the morning, a prince at lunch and a pauper at dinner.”
Does it work?
Well big Tricia went from just under 300lbs to just over 100lbs so it’s fair to say the diet works. Research shows no negative side effects to speak of, but it is definitely one of the hardest diets to stick to due to the complete change of lifestyle and eating habits required to do it. We’re men, and we want a damn steak on the table, cooked rare with some fries, onion rings and maybe a bit of salad to make the whole thing look nice for our dinner. Even though we won’t eat it.
Extremely Stupid Fad Diet #4 – The Stone Age Diet
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The recipe
- Lean meat
- Fish
- Vegetables
- Nuts
The diet history
The hunter-gather, paleolithic style diet was first popularized in the mid 1970s by a gastroenterologist named Walter L. Voegtlin. Basically, if you can shoot it, catch it or unearth it from a bush, plant or tree, you can eat it. That means bread, wine, beer, milk, grains and beans are out.
Does it work?
Writer Jimmy Lee Shreeve wrote an article for The Independent last year detailing how the paleolithic diet helped him shift his middle-age spread. If you look at the foods you eat on the diet, it’s no surprise. Lean meat, oily fish and a lot of vegetable and fruits. No sugary crap and processed junk to slow you down. In short, it’s a great diet for high priority weight loss but you’ll need a purpose such as getting ready to look good on the beach. Otherwise, the monotony and self-enforced restraint will destroy your soul. And your will to live.
Extremely Stupid Fad Diet #5 – The Russian Air Force Diet
Image by Heaven’s Gate (John)
The recipe
- No bread
- No pasta
- No rice
The diet history
The Atkins Diet meets Rocky IV with this diet developed in the former Soviet Union to keep soldiers fit during the cold war. There is a huge emphasis on cutting carbs rather than a complete shift in eating habits and lifestyle change.
Does it work?
Like many diets which can be tailored to provide an appropriate number of calories, you will lose weight. Unfortunately, once you finish the diet, you’ll probably pack it all on again because you haven’t changed your habits. The low-carb aspect means you’ll be low on energy and you will be sick to death of mustard (the only condiment you’re allowed) by the end. Also, the excessive use of eggs in the diet means that your farts will inevitably be more deadly than an entire Soviet army.
Extremely Stupid Fad Diet #6 – The Sex Diet
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The recipe
- A lot of sex. 8 time a week, on average.
The diet history
A horny fat chick called Kerry McCloskey lost 23lbs bouncing up and down on her husband eight times a week. Technically, it’s not a diet as there are no set foods to eat. Kerry reckons that the diet encourages better nutrition and, since you burn about 200 calories in a 30-minute sex session, it’s an effective way to shift excess blubber. You can also target problem areas by turning basic exercises into foreplay. Moves like the ‘love squat’, for example.
Does it work?
Kerry got some good results from it, but to be honest, we’re pretty skeptical about this ‘diet’. While 30 minutes of exercise every day will no doubt have health benefits; allowing you to eat junk day and night makes this diet a bit of a failure. Any weight loss you do have can probably be written off to ejaculate.
Have you subjected yourself to a painstaking diet with numerous negative side effects in the pursuit of attaining a male model physique? If so, let us know in the comments.
March 28th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Well. I think you are not informed on The Master Cleanser Diet. Done right it can be a great way to flush crap out of your system. All the crap we eat that is processed and frozen. I do a week and a half about every 6 months and feel great afterwards. Your tongue will go from yellow to the color it is supposed to be after you finish. But, it is not a diet and I think thats where you guys went wrong on this. Also, it can cause death? Show me proof of that. Maybe if a 300 pound man or woman start it and have a heart attack from not eating there cookie-dough ice-cream.
March 28th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
I definately burned a few calories laughing as I read this article !
Ross
http://www.RossGoodman.com
June 24th, 2008 at 3:37 am
It is obvious that the author of this article did not bother to read W. Voegtlin’s book. He would quickly find out that none of the foods he listed are acceptable in Voegtlin’s Stone age diet.
October 7th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Just out of curiosity, Who in the hell has a yellow tongue? You’re nuts Brad. Careful with your diet, you might actually die from it, but then again, anyone who read your comment will probably see that as a good thing and they (and me) will all laugh because there is one less moron in the world.
Fail.
Anyway, this article was hilarious. And I might have to try that sex diet.
January 25th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Wow, Awesome post, keep up a good post, Good Picture, and explain everything
February 10th, 2009 at 7:21 am
Hi, I am new to raw food any basic advises to a beginner.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
I bought the book by stanley burroughs for the master cleanse 2 years ago after been loyal to the cabbage soup diet (worked wonders-lost 30 pounds altogether after 2 diets) and Has just started the Master cleanse 2 days ago.
It has been great so far, I haven’t felt dizzy or sick, in fact, im very energetic, able to focus on school and continue about my day without thinking of food! My family (of 6) all do not believe in this diet but I want to at least try it because I do believe in it. So far, in the 3 days, I have lost 5 pounds and continue to lose weight in which I will gain back healthily.
I plan to start my eating habits over after the cleanse! I can’t wait, and one last thing…
There will always be non believers in any diet especially if a diet seems so radical as this one does. Just like everyone thought albert einstein was crazy for his thoughts and innovations, but he died and became acknowledged for his works. Stanley burroughs has found an “invention” for cleansing the body and soon many people will learn to appeciate his works as well.
February 22nd, 2009 at 7:32 am
Hello. Great job. I did not expect this today. This is a great story. Thanks!
February 22nd, 2009 at 7:46 am
Wow! Thank you! I always wanted to write in my site something like that. Can I take part of your post to my blog?
April 9th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Stephanie.. alot of people have a yellow/white build up on their tongue, in case you didnt know. Don’t be so hasty to bring people down, cause then you end up sounding like a moron.Several thousand people have done this diet, including celebs like the article said, and no one has died.
If the author of this article had even bothered to properly research, its not a diet you do for a long period of time for that same reason.
April 10th, 2009 at 6:34 am
Ummmm… Yeah, I used to weigh close to four hundred pounds and in all honesty I just cut out junk food and foods that were high in fat and sodium. I also took a twenty minute walk in the evenings and did light cardio an hour before bed and yeah I wiegh Two hundred and thirty five pounds now. Also I found that by reducing my meal portions and increasing the amout of times I ate in a day helped a lot to plus I didn’t eat four hours before bed and drank my eight cups a day. Oh also I took a baseball bat to my scale and stopped staring in the mirror. I also noticed when your losing wieght your more prone to listening to negative comments as opposed to compliments. I think it’s really all a matter of accepting you want to change and realizing you have the ability to do it, JUST HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF AND DON’T GET BOGGED DOWN! Lotsa love and support people! Btw talking to your family doctor is also a good idea if you go on a fad diet and also make sure the diet is not gender specific and remember boys tend to burn fat faster than girls annnnnnddddd the faster you take it off the higher the possibility it won’t be a long lasting result. Crash diets tend to work in the moment but without a health style change(I know most people say lifestyle right?) it may take you back to the wieght you began at or possibly further back. Plus if you are pound for pound oriented and wanna mark progress by way of pounds make your weigh-in time in the mornings when you first wake up as your body wieght fluctuates throughout the day and keep wiegh-ins at least two weeks apart monthly wiegh ins are more agreeable as those driven by results will see a more motivating wieght loss and whether its five pounds or ten pounds if your losing it your losing and take pride in that. Much love and good luck! P.S. Your all sexy and ya know it.
August 11th, 2009 at 2:48 am
I’ve done the Master Cleanser diet and loved it. It’s only during the initial 3 days that you feel at all tired or sick and that is because all of your body’s toxins have lifted and are being stirred around in your system, hence the need for laxative tea. After 4 days of following the diet strictly I felt amazing. My vision even became clearer, along with my mental clarity. Unless you have actually completed this cleanse, and done so the correct way, I really don’t think you are fit to judge anything. I’m actually starting it again today. It’s done for a short period of time, it’s not going to kill you, fyi.