The Ultimate Office Etiquette Guide

 

If you’ve ever been sat at your desk, hard at work, trying to finish your report in time for that very important meeting with the Managing Director; you’ll know just how annoying it is to have the wacky office comedian come striding up to you in his Homer Simpson tie, wanting to play his new collection of stupid cell phone ringtones. Welcome to the dark and murky world of Office Etiquette.

I actually made a big etiquette faux pas at my new employer just this week. I was well-groomed, well-dressed and I was polite, pleasant and smiling as I greeted my new co-workers. But as I sat down after making myself a cup of tea, I couldn’t help but notice that everyone in the office was looking at me like I’d just murdered their cat. I’d committed a cardinal office sin: never, ever make a drink just for yourself.

So how do you know what the politics of your office are? Well, like the many different cultures and societies of other countries and continents, it varies from office to office. In England you could be hung, drawn and quartered for not making a round of tea for your colleagues. In Russia however, they’d be more upset if you forgot to slip a drop of vodka into their brew. For this very reason, we’ve created The Ultimate Office Etiquette Guide so that you never again make the mistake of taking a stapler without first asking for permission!

General Office Etiquette

While different offices have different policies, there are a few universal truths about etiquette that you need to be aware of at all times.

Ask before you borrow anything. There’s nothing worse than being branded the office thief because your stash of ‘borrowed’ rulers is discovered by the cleaning lady.

Wash your mugs after you’ve used them. If you expect the cleaners to wash up for you, you’re going to be in for a big surprise. You might find your mug covered in mold and thick, congealed milk floating around the bottom. Clean it yourself.

Any release of bodily gases is highly frowned upon. Farting may have been okay back in High School, but you won’t be taken seriously if you perform a rendition of Flight Of The Bumble Bee through your ass.

Don’t fall asleep at your desk. And if you do, make sure you’re at a desk that faces away from everyone else and you don’t snore.

Open doors for your colleagues. You won’t do yourself any favors by letting the door close on the geeky guy from I.T while he’s carrying a computer tower and monitor into the office.

Smoking and Vaping. If you smoke or even vape e juice

Colleague Relationships

It’s important to always be respectful of your colleagues and avoid burning your bridges with them. You never know when you may rely on their help to get you out of a tricky jam. Here are a few things you should be aware of:…

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How to Tip Like a Gentleman

Ever stiffed a waiter on his tip or worse still waived it around like you were the superior man? If so, you need some tipping etiquette lessons, pronto!

 

Proper tipping etiquette is still a trait rarely found in modern men yet, when perfected, it can actually become quite enjoyable. It’s a selfless act of giving to others based on the level of service you’ve received. A lot of these people get a pitiful wage and the tips they get go a long way to supplement their income. Make them happy and you’ll be looked after. Annoy them and you’d be best advised to eat your meal with caution!

Tipping like a Gentleman

Tipping really is an art form and when you’re giving your tip you want to be as discrete and gentlemanly as possible. Hand over the tip with your palm facing down and shake hands with the person you are tipping, simultaneously placing the money in their hand. What you want to avoid doing is waving the money around and making a big deal of it. You’ll look like an idiot for starts and if that isn’t enough, you’re going to make the person receiving the tip feel uncomfortable because, believe it or not, you’re coming across like a condescending jerk. You’re not throwing a treat for Fido here.

So how do you figure out how much to tip? Well the truth is there are no tipping rules per se, however there are guidelines which suggest how much is appropriate to give. Let’s investigate.

The restaurant waiter/waitress

This is the one that causes most debate because there is no hard and fast rule. It is also made even more difficult by waiting staff who have lost sight of the fact that a tip is a gratuity and is not actually required. As a guideline though, I’d say you can safely use the following without a disgruntled waiter spitting in your salad:

  • Self-serve/Buffet restaurant10-12%. If the service was fantastic, you could up this to 15%.
  • Local restaurant15%. Again, you could up this by a few percent if the server worked particularly hard or went out of their way to help you.
  • A 4-star restaurant – You’ll want to tip the maitre d’ as you’re being seated, particularly if you’re a regular and he/she goes out of their way to reserve you a table or get a table when the restaurant is busy. The standard tip here is anywhere from $20-100. For the service of the meal itself I’d recommend a tip of around 20-22%. Don’t forget to tip the wine steward (a few dollars per bottle of wine) and/or the coat check attendant ($1 for a couple of coats).

Taxi driver

Unless you want to annoy the Travis Bickle-esque taxi driver by stiffing him on a tip you’d better go ahead and give 15% of the fare.

Hair salon

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The Man Rules

Let’s get one thing straight, this website is for men. Real men. Sure, it’s fine if the ladies want to read along, but Just a Guy Thing is for and about, well, guys.

So it’s about time we laid down some rules. The Man Rules. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the?other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question that you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer that you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.? Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.? Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.? But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Note: if you couldn’t tell by the photo of the shlub and the fact that every rule is

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