Men are widely known for their straight talking and tell-it-like-it-is attitude. But sometimes, us gentlemen say things that we really do not mean. Things that more often than not, get us into trouble. It’s written into our DNA. We have to protect our manliness at all costs. If it means bragging about scoring with a porn star you met at a strip club – then so be it. We never reveal the truth that we were actually escorted from the premises for trying to ‘fondle’ said porn star! So what common things do we say and not mean? Let’s investigate.
15. I want to learn a new language. Do we really want to learn a new language? The majority of people struggle to perfect the Queen’s English and the advent of social media sites such as Facecrap has only made it worse. You’re not going to become the voice of your generation simply because you’re talking Italian!
14. “Let’s put the tip in, just for a second to see what it feels like.” As if! This is standard practice for deflowering women the world over. There was never going to come a point when we said, “Right okay, that’s not working for me. I’ll just pull it out and put my clothes back on.”
13. “I’m only having one drink tonight, lads.” Men are genetically incapable of having just one drink at the pub! One pint quickly progresses into karaoke madness, arm-wrestling competitions, a quick fumble in the toilet with the porky barmaid we swore we’d never touch and ends with us declaring our undying love to our best mate!
12. “It’s not you, it’s me.” This is the biggest lie ever uttered by man. Even women have got in on the act and are now using it as a way to dump us! The truth is – it is you but I don’t want to hurt your feelings. You’re too fat, crap in bed, you moan all the time, your friends are hotter and you smell really bad.
11. “Yeah, Dog Day Afternoon is a masterpiece of directing.” This doesn’t particularly apply to Dog Day Afternoon, but any movie that comes up in discussion down the pub that you haven’t seen! We try to blag our way through the conversation despite knowing nothing about the film, the cast, the plot or even what constitutes a masterpiece of directing!
10. “We need to catch up soon over a pint.” Don’t you just hate bumping into that annoying twat from school who was the sports star, ladies man and all around nice guy! The only way to get rid of him short of a shotgun is to agree to meet up soon. Preferably, when hell freezes over.
9. “Your new girlfriend is lovely mate. Really nice.” Well, what else can you say? “I know you’re lonely since the love of your life dumped you for her yoga instructor, but you need to set your standards a little higher than a woman with more facial hair than ZZ Top!”
8. “Give me the hottest curry on the menu. NOW!” In a desperate bid to show our manliness, we try to convince ourselves that shoving a vindaloo down our throats is the best way to establish our male dominance. In reality, we’re crying on the inside!
7. “I’m rethinking my career choices.” Every now and again we get a little jaded with our worklife and decide to research the possibility of joining an Alaskan crab-fishing crew. Obviously, we get bored quickly and check to see if anyone posted a comment on our zany “Get Me Out Of This Office” blog.
6. “Keep that up and I’ll phone the police.” We know we won’t call the police. We’d have to repeat the post code ten times to the operator, have to let the fuzz into our home to ask us questions and then watch as they drive away – never to hear from them again. Besides, chavs measure their success through ASBO’s so really, what’s the point?
5. “I’ll pay you back mate, I promise.” To be fair, this is half true. We will, eventually, pay you back. Once we’ve paid off our 50″ LCD-HD telly, our yearly subscription to The Adult Channel, our gym membership and our brand-new Audi S3.
4. “Of course I’m listening to you, dear.” This is usually followed by a few caveman grunts and a nod or two. We’re not really listening but we are paying just enough attention to not get caught watching the football while you describe, in excruciating detail, everything that happened to you today.
3. “I’m not like other guys. I don’t kiss and tell.” This is a loop-hole in the dating system that men have exploited for years. Technically, we don’t kiss and tell. When we’re bragging to our mates about shagging you in the back of the car, the last thing we’d ever want to tell them about is the kissing!
2. “She’s just a friend.” Yeah, she’s just a really hot, big bosomed, nymphomaniac friend. Who are you trying to kid, chief?
1. “Oi! You and me, outside, right now!” In a desperate attempt to solidify our dominance in the presence of another alpha-male we try to bluff our way out of it by calling them out! For the love of God, why?? Chances are he’s going to answer your bluff with one of his own. The best you can hope for is that you’re both regretting your decision and when you get face to face, you have a bit of a shout, a few shoves and maybe beat your chest in that ever-so manly way before your mates mercifully pull you away!
What’s missing then gents (and ladies)? Drop a message in the comments and we’ll add them in.
photo credit: borghetti
February 20th, 2008 at 7:38 am
?It?s not you, it?s me.? haha. i know a lot of guys use this one.
February 20th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Great, just great Christian!
February 20th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
@Alex – Thanks buddy. I enjoyed writing it even if some people hated it
February 20th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
“Naaw I’m not like other men, I don’t enjoy watching porn.”
Yeah, whatever… Good shit anyway.
February 24th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
Good article
. I don’t agree to it fully, but good article.
There is a lot of type of people, some I found true, most I havent seen happen.
March 8th, 2008 at 1:20 am
Good article!
kept me laughin all the way through…
Zeat had some good points to.
keep up the good work.
maxim
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:48 pm
so i really wanna know something pls.so if ur boyfriend tell u that “it’s just a female friend”and they both chat everything they meet online,email each other about how there day was,and stuff like that?what should his girlfriend do then???
May 15th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Christian what is your last name?
July 27th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
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October 5th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
@Christian-i know for a fact that i do fake an orgasm.only if the guy cums first.
like phone sex.
yeah ill fake it just to make then happy.
but if its like over text messages and stuff.
how could u really know if someone cums or not?
haha.
just saying:D
August 24th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
This is very british.
September 6th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Men are IDIOTS! They have no damn common sense. Women do better alone!
Most men’s main goal with women, is to have as much sex as possible with as many women as possible, without having to make any real committment! Women, don’t waste your time with any of them, unless you are using them for sex or money.
November 17th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
“It’s not you, it’s me”……..I don’t like you
November 30th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Okay sooo you’re saying basically there isn’t a single man on earth who has a female friend? A lot of my single guy friends have friends who are women and are really nothing else than friends.
December 5th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
how about “I don’t deserve you”
December 21st, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Absolutely fantastic. Though I haven’t used all of these myself, I’ve definitely heard them all!
January 8th, 2010 at 6:07 am
Oh i just love it, it’s so great.
January 28th, 2010 at 8:15 am
Hey I just wanted to let you know, I really like the piece of writing on your site. But I am using Chromium on a machine running version 9.04 of Xubuntu and the UI aren’t quite satisfactory. Not a important deal, I can still basically read the articles and search for info, but just wanted to inform you about that. The navigation bar is kind of tough to use with the config I’m running. Keep up the great work!
February 5th, 2010 at 12:30 am
Yeah i am quite sure i have heard more than half of these from women as well so what’s the point?
February 12th, 2010 at 11:10 am
is it true that when guys are drunk they say things they dont mean?
May 12th, 2010 at 8:57 pm
if my husband wont given me his password to his myspace or anything else then does that mean he has something to hide and if a man writes to one girl and tells her he misses and loves her two weeks b4 his wife moves back home , then what does that mean about the other girl? how can you tell he let her go , if she had to leave him(rehab) and what can you say to know if he really doesnt want to be with her if he lied to her me and his family about the adulty as well… signs i can tell ?? through him and things i can say to watch for the signs???
June 22nd, 2010 at 6:45 am
Number two is so true. I’m that friend
August 3rd, 2010 at 11:27 pm
Where could it be, i’d like you just read more about this article, thanks.
August 16th, 2010 at 9:59 pm
ahhhhhhhhhhh,
i have heard this a million of times.
haha, lol.
i love it though.
i also love sam.