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15 Things Men Say But Don't Really Mean

Are men really masters in the art of deception? Here are our top 15 lies that men tell themselves (and women) throughout the world!

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Men are widely known for their straight talking and tell-it-like-it-is attitude. But sometimes, us gentlemen say things that we really do not mean. Things that more often than not, get us into trouble. It's written into our DNA. We have to protect our manliness at all costs. If it means bragging about scoring with a porn star you met at a strip club - then so be it. We never reveal the truth that we were actually escorted from the premises for trying to 'fondle' said porn star! So what common things do we say and not mean? Let's investigate.

15. I want to learn a new language. Do we really want to learn a new language? The majority of people struggle to perfect the Queen's English and the advent of social media sites such as Facecrap has only made it worse. You're not going to become the voice of your generation simply because you're talking Italian!

14. "Let's put the tip in, just for a second to see what it feels like." As if! This is standard practice for deflowering women the world over. There was never going to come a point when we said, "Right okay, that's not working for me. I'll just pull it out and put my clothes back on."

13. "I'm only having one drink tonight, lads." Men are genetically incapable of having just one drink at the pub! One pint quickly progresses into karaoke madness, arm-wrestling competitions, a quick fumble in the toilet with the porky barmaid we swore we'd never touch and ends with us declaring our undying love to our best mate!

12. "It's not you, it's me." This is the biggest lie ever uttered by man. Even women have got in on the act and are now using it as a way to dump us! The truth is - it is you but I don't want to hurt your feelings. You're too fat, crap in bed, you moan all the time, your friends are hotter and you smell really bad.

11. "Yeah, Dog Day Afternoon is a masterpiece of directing." This doesn't particularly apply to Dog Day Afternoon, but any movie that comes up in discussion down the pub that you haven't seen! We try to blag our way through the conversation despite knowing nothing about the film, the cast, the plot or even what constitutes a masterpiece of directing!

10. "We need to catch up soon over a pint." Don't you just hate bumping into that annoying twat from school who was the sports star, ladies man and all around nice guy! The only way to get rid of him short of a shotgun is to agree to meet up soon. Preferably, when hell freezes over.

9. "Your new girlfriend is lovely mate. Really nice." Well, what else can you say? "I know you're lonely since the love of your life dumped you for her yoga instructor, but you need to set your standards a little higher than a woman with more facial hair than ZZ Top!"

8. "Give me the hottest curry on the menu. NOW!" In a desperate bid to show our manliness, we try to convince ourselves that shoving a vindaloo down our throats is the best way to establish our male dominance. In reality, we're crying on the inside!

7. "I'm rethinking my career choices." Every now and again we get a little jaded with our worklife and decide to research the possibility of joining an Alaskan crab-fishing crew. Obviously, we get bored quickly and check to see if anyone posted a comment on our zany "Get Me Out Of This Office" blog.

6. "Keep that up and I'll phone the police." We know we won't call the police. We'd have to repeat the post code ten times to the operator, have to let the fuzz into our home to ask us questions and then watch as they drive away - never to hear from them again. Besides, chavs measure their success through ASBO's so really, what's the point?

5. "I'll pay you back mate, I promise." To be fair, this is half true. We will, eventually, pay you back. Once we've paid off our 50" LCD-HD telly, our yearly subscription to The Adult Channel, our gym membership and our brand-new Audi S3.

4. "Of course I'm listening to you, dear." This is usually followed by a few caveman grunts and a nod or two. We're not really listening but we are paying just enough attention to not get caught watching the football while you describe, in excruciating detail, everything that happened to you today.

3. "I'm not like other guys. I don't kiss and tell." This is a loop-hole in the dating system that men have exploited for years. Technically, we don't kiss and tell. When we're bragging to our mates about shagging you in the back of the car, the last thing we'd ever want to tell them about is the kissing!

2. "She's just a friend." Yeah, she's just a really hot, big bosomed, nymphomaniac friend. Who are you trying to kid, chief?

1. "Oi! You and me, outside, right now!" In a desperate attempt to solidify our dominance in the presence of another alpha-male we try to bluff our way out of it by calling them out! For the love of God, why?? Chances are he's going to answer your bluff with one of his own. The best you can hope for is that you're both regretting your decision and when you get face to face, you have a bit of a shout, a few shoves and maybe beat your chest in that ever-so manly way before your mates mercifully pull you away!

What's missing then gents (and ladies)? Drop a message in the comments and we'll add them in.

photo credit: borghetti

so true, can't really nock us

so true, can't really nock us for trying

i honestly must have mates who owe me so much i have lost count...

i think you missed the line "I don't have a problem with wearing a pink shirt to the rugby/football"

Of course i wont cum in your

Of course i wont cum in your mouth

Hey Christian, Just a heads

Hey Christian,
Just a heads up that Randy is likely spam. No serious, there's this weird spam technique where the bot will post complimentary spam. I don't remember why they do this...Anyway, regarding your post you forgot "I'm not a pervert!" because as all men know, we all totally are. Women want relationship and men want sex, preferably the kind we see in porn (which is impossible to achieve). There's a part of every man that wants to have sex with as many women as possible and not care about the consequences. There's a part of every man that will always be looking at other women. It's biologically programmed into us, it's not our fault nor does it need to be a problem. It is a bi-product of being a man.

@Nick - Mates really do take

@Nick - Mates really do take the mick when borrowing money, don't they? Also, I'd forgot about the taboo subject of wearing pink at any sporting event that isn't netball!

@steve - Juvenile, yes, but hilarious all the same!

@Paul - Thanks for the heads up mate. I'll keep a look out for similar comments in future. As for being a pervert, it's written in our DNA! We can't help ourselves can we?

I read this article and found

I read this article and found myself chuckling through every phrase. It reminds me of watching Peter Kay and laughing at his interpretation of seemingly normal daily events and thinking "Yeah, that's true!" Keep up the good work.

@Ben - That was the idea when

@Ben - That was the idea when I was writing it! Obviously I'm no Peter Kay, but I'll give it a good go! Cheers for the comments mate.

Haha so true. That's what all

Haha so true. That's what all is men say in England. Take it this was written by someone in England?

Dog Day Afternoon IS a

Dog Day Afternoon IS a masterpiece of directing

This was utterly idiotic. The

This was utterly idiotic. The only thing you've succeeded at doing is collecting some of the lamest and most tired cliches of the male half of the species and putting them into an 'oh-so-hilarious' list. Three cheers for masculinity.

Paul - Sure... women never

Paul - Sure... women never actually want to have sex, we're just using it as a trap for our evil relationship plan. In fact - we dont even enjoy sex, we just fake all our orgasms, you know, even with ourselves. Which totally explains why you only dream of having sex like they do in porn, rather than actually having it. You're too busy thinking about how she's only there for the relationship...
And by the way, that super special "part of every man" is not biologically programmed into you, its programmed into you by your beloved porn.

@Dre - Yep, it was written by

@Dre - Yep, it was written by an Englishman. I try to keep it as American as possible most of the time because, as you can see from the Digg comments, they don't like anything foreign! Ah well...

@Bob - Sorry you didn't enjoy the article. It was only supposed to be a bit of fun and make light of some the clich?s surrounding the male species. Obviously not your cup of tea, eh?

@Gabi - Brilliant! I love

@Gabi - Brilliant! I love it. Finally someone who gets that I'm not actually being serious. Do women really fake orgasms when they are by themselves? I'm kidding, I'm kidding! No, seriously, do they?

"I'll call you." Yeah,

"I'll call you."

Yeah, right.

"It?s not you, it?s

"It?s not you, it?s me."
When you need to get rid of a clingy creepy girl.... nothing works better.
http://www.spymac.com/details/?2146727

[...] The complete list [...]

[...] The complete list [...]

Your fisticuff strategy

Your fisticuff strategy sounds very dangerous.
I hate to fight but if pushed, I tend to disable an opponent within the first 5 seconds.
Why let them hang around and possibly hurt me?

youre no man

youre no man

@Ra "I tend to disable an

@Ra "I tend to disable an opponent within the first 5 seconds." I take it that was you contribution to the list of lies men tell?

"Be The Man" - an oldie but a

"Be The Man" - an oldie but a goodie.....

1. OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -noisy
destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're a legend.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT ?200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. Seeya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized shit.

25. CALLING YOUR MATE A CUNT - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".

[...] that we really do not

[...] that we really do not mean. So what common things do we say and not mean? Let?s investigate.read more | digg [...]

Wow, how much further from

Wow, how much further from the truth could this get? I'm able to get by with Spanish, and I'm in the process of learning German. "Let's put the tip in..." Are you kidding me? How do you know all men say this? And even if they do say this idiotic phrase, why wouldn't they mean it? "I'm only having one drink tonight, lads." Excuse me, not all men are incapable of exercising self control. I didn't even read the rest because the first three were total non sense.

Can't believe a post with so many logical fallacies landed on the Digg front page. This isn't even funny, it's just sad.

# tony blair Says: youre no

# tony blair Says:
youre no man

somehow I find that Irnoic

I'm so sick of this bullshit.

I'm so sick of this bullshit.

you use too many exclamation

you use too many exclamation marks

@Zeat - Best comment on this

@Zeat - Best comment on this entire site! I love it. Shame most people won't because it's too much of an English 'clich?' type list.

I don't usually comment on

I don't usually comment on blogs, but found this on Digg. Really nice stuff you've got here, I'll be sure to check out the rest. Good work.

@Dan - Thanks for the

@Dan - Thanks for the comments. Hope you enjoy the rest of the site!

Fairly accurate, I'd say!

Fairly accurate, I'd say! ;-)))

When will people stop

When will people stop studiying spineless men who don't dare to tell the truth! hahaha
I never need to tell these kind of lies to get what i want.

guys patterson whenever

guys patterson whenever you're ready to come down off you pedestal we'll all be hanging out here... this is just for a bit of fun.

Ummm...no. These are just

Ummm...no. These are just cliches that never really existed.

@Christian, that first

@Christian, that first comment is a spambot. I just got the exact same comment on my site. Word for word, but from the name Karen Halls. Just a heads up.

I guess you can add "I found your site through a google blog search" to the list.

@Jan - I take it you've seen

@Jan - I take it you've seen your fair share of these so-called 'lies' then? :)

@dn - Exactly!

@Graham - Thanks for the input.

@Sprout - Haha yeah I guess I can add that to the list! Thanks for the heads up mate - I'll get it removed right now.

@J - I guess the same time

@J - I guess the same time people start to get a sense of humour?

I'm a woman and I've said all

I'm a woman and I've said all of those

except for number 1 cause fighting just makes men and women look silly unless youre a boxer or something. Anyway- yes- women say all of these too. WOW- were ALL A holes.

No references to "Withnail

No references to "Withnail and I"? What kind of a Brit ARE you?

Yes totally agree, especially

Yes totally agree, especially with #2.

@Vanessa - Nice to see a

@Vanessa - Nice to see a female perspective on here too. And yes, I think we might all be A holes :)

@Jeff - Apparently not a very good one. Although I was only 4 when that film came out!

just suck it for a little bit

just suck it for a little bit

@Guy and J, C'mon, people.

@Guy and J,

C'mon, people. Talking yourself up on here, trying to show you're 'better' than the rest of us is pointless. Now, in the pub, there it'll help ya score, so I guess I understand the sentiment.

"no honey, I don't think

"no honey, I don't think you've got a fat ass"

blabla

It seems there're a lot of

It seems there're a lot of people who didn't enjoy this, but, instead of doing the logical thing and simply avoiding any further discomfort, they take the time to whine about it because it makes them feel like they're somehow above the people who actually decide to enjoy something. Mostly the point I'm getting to is that I find it amusing that what it really comes down to is them trying to assert their [male] dominance by complaining about a list of which half is about asserting male dominance (The other half being, of course, lying to win the girl).

Groucho Marx: You know, I think you're the most beautiful woman in the whole world?
Girl: Do you really?
Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it'll get me somewhere.

Boy..that Guy Patterson is a

Boy..that Guy Patterson is a real downer. I bet he doesnt get invited to too many parties. As for the "putting in the tip" thing. I've had that one pulled on me before, back in the day when I was young, cute and virginal. So take that, Guy..and try to lighten up a bit. Negativitiy and know-it-all-ness is very unattractive.

[...] 15 Things Men Say But

[...] 15 Things Men Say But Don?t Really Mean [...]

[...] +V?a [Justaguything]

[...] +V?a [Justaguything] [...]

Hey you wrote only true

Hey you wrote only true hahaha I agree with your opinion that describe you on the 15 point especially with 2, 4 & 12... In many times I used these prhases...

This article is so British it

This article is so British it hurts. :)

@GuyPatterson: Grow a dick,

@GuyPatterson:
Grow a dick, weiner boy.

Too British. Now if it was

Too British.

Now if it was written by a Canadian, it would be much better, eh.

All of this made me think,

All of this made me think, "No shit."

 
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