Image by Cayusa
How did you learn about the finer points of sex? Maybe you watched that awkward sex education video that was filmed a good 20 years before your time and made sex out to be a clinical and methodical process. Some schools had in-class demonstrations of your 60-something teacher delicately peeling a condom down over a banana like some giant, yellow (and slightly curved) penis. The mere thought of that image alone is enough to remain celibate and move to a monastery in Tibet for the rest of your life! Other people found out about sex by getting stuck in to a good old fumble session in the drama studio during a free period. Whatever your story, it’s likely you had the talk from your old man at some point as well.
Talking about sex can be uncomfortable, particularly for a dad with his teenage son. A sex ed talk from your father usually consists of the following:
- Wear a condom.
- Treat the girl with respect.
- Don’t rush her.
- Save yourself for the right girl.
Of course, none of this prepares us for the harsh reality of a proper sexual encounter. Our fathers have failed us in our pursuit for sexual enlightenment. With this in mind, I present to you The 10 Things Your Dad Never Told You About Sex (But Really Should Have).
#10 – Sex Fetishes
Image by lowfreq
I really wish my father had told me what a fetish was before I started having sex. The first time a woman asked me if I was into “Formicophilia” I thought she was speaking Italian to me. It turns out she got a real sexual kick out of having bugs, insects and creepy crawlies all over her genitals and wanted to share this delightful experience with me. Apparently fetishes are a normal variation of human sexuality which range from vanilla to just plain weird. I don’t mind a bit of biting and spanking every now and again but I draw the line at inviting cockroaches to the party. Make sure you know a bit about fetishes before engaging in sex because nobody wants to find out their girlfriend has a scat fetish after the fact.
#9 – It’s not like a porno movie
Image by sneet
Imagine my surprise when, after years of watching Jenna Jameson bounce up and down on multiple guys and screaming with pleasure, I finally lost my virginity to a shy little red head with a freckled face, glasses and braces on her teeth. I thought sex would be all about screaming, dirty orgasms and filthy talk. Not only that, I thought that every seemingly innocent situation could be initiated into impromptu sex. If my friends mum offered me a cup of tea while we waited for him to get home from work, I thought she might jump my bones any second. Alas, it never happened. As for the red head, it was less like a speeding train and more like a brisk walk. Sex is nothing like it appears in porn. (unless you happen to be dating a porn star)
#8 – Pace yourself
Image by karigaile
As a knock-on effect of the porn delusions I suffered from, I thought that going at it hammer-and-tongs for long periods of time was the norm. Those porn stars could last forever and so I was utterly disappointed when my encounter with the shy red head lasted a mere 2 minutes before I rolled over and fell asleep. If you’ve never heard the story of the tortoise and the hare, I’m sure it related to sex. Women want a stallion who can last the distance and although sometimes a quickie can be just as fun, nobody wants it to be over before it’s even begun.
#7 – Headaches are no excuse not to have sex
Image by mareen
At 21, my girlfriend of the time regularly used to tell me she wasn’t in the mood for a bit of nookie because she ‘had a headache’. New evidence has come to light though which says that the female orgasm releases endorphins (a natural painkiller). This means that sex is a headache cure. I’d go as far as to use this to try and have sex with your girlfriend for any number of ailments. Broken leg? Sex can ease your pain, baby. Your (hot)friend has a broken heart? I’ll give her an orgasm to make her feel better. Genital herpes? Er…you’re on your own there, darling.
#6 – Threesomes are not as common as you think
Image by willradik
A combination of porn and ‘true story’ articles in Maxim and FHM had me growing up thinking that a threesome was a natural part of everyday life and would happen regularly. After losing a couple of girlfriends through requests for their big-bosomed friend to join us for a session, I began to lose faith. Some people claim that “M?nage ? trois” is actually French for “In your dreams”. While I’m sure many people have had threesomes (or more) with other women, the sad reality is that the threesomes we could have would most often involve not another woman, but another man.
March 7th, 2008 at 4:59 am
More advice … keep a ‘friendly towel’ near the bed because nobody really likes sleeping in a wet spot.
March 7th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Circumsized and broke the banjo. Had that talk with my Dr and he says it happens all the time. Lots of blood yes. Had to sit down for a while and rather scary when it happens.
My GF wants to go treasure hunting to find that prostrate Gspot one day. I can’t wait to find out what it’s like! Tried it myself but to no avail.
Currently trying some multi-orgasm tests. Think I did it to myself last night. We’ll see! It’s hard to stop and wait when inside her tho
Oh yeah! And since I get her off several times using fingers/tongue she says I’m definitely a keeper
March 7th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Very good roundup!!!
March 7th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
This is a great article. There are many other things with couples that can make sex more interesting time after time. Communication is a huge, no monumental item in having sexual relations. It is amazing how much just talking about things can turn you on.
Also toys are a great thing to introduce. someone earlier in the comments asked if there was a way to stimulate the clitoris whilst having sex. Although I know this is possible it can be easily achieved with a cockring. There are even ones with vibrators attached. Check them out : http://racy.com/toys-for-two_rings-for-couples.html
you can always introduce toys with a little rubber duckie
http://racy.com/vibes_bath-time-toys.html
March 8th, 2008 at 7:37 am
Great article and great comments.
March 8th, 2008 at 8:22 am
Thanks for all the wonderful comments everyone. And to any guy that has snapped his banjo string – I feel your pain.
-Christian
March 8th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
What about the “ejection seat”?
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=ejection+seat
or the “double latte”?
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=double+latte
No father has ever talked about these.
March 8th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
My father never told me about blue balls…
March 9th, 2008 at 11:03 am
very well written the clit thing is a must !
March 9th, 2008 at 11:26 am
also boys, look at kagles, they are a pubic exercise that will give you more control over your orgasms n ejaculations… your girl will be impressed if you do them regularaly. she can do them as well. look em up
March 9th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
About headaches: yes, it’s true that orgasms help headaches. But please remember how much of women’s sexuality can be in our heads – and it’s hard to feel sexy when your head wants to split open. I get migraines fairly regularly and my favorite cure is to take medicine, lay in a dark room for 15 minutes until it recedes and then fuck like crazy – gets rid of the lingering headache every time.
March 9th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
My mom was not the father’s first. He didn’t tell me that!
Nice article!
http://www.bestsnippets.com
March 9th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
Fun to read, good to know.
Just one thing: Sex may help to relive a regular headache. But forget about orgasms as natural pain relievers when it comes to migrane. Any one suffering from migrane will tell you that any kind of exercise (including sex) will split your brain.
It’s really not just an excuse.
March 10th, 2008 at 6:06 am
Very well-written, even being a female, I appreciated the info.
I think the whole clit thing is bull. I get off by penetration alone every 19 out of 20 times. During sex, the man needs to be dominate, very dominate. Its in the mind, not in the touch. Women are just too demanding.
March 10th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
I don’t know if a girl has already said this or not but I will say it again.
If we say we want it rough…DO IT ROUGH. We’re not gonna break guys. If a girl has enough balls to come out to you and say, I want you to throw me up against the wall and *u*c* me hard then you should LISTEN to her and do it.
Also, it helps a bunch if you ask your partner what they like in bed. Compromising. Thats the key.
I don’t like stimulating the male g-spot, but I did it for him because he did the things that I liked doing in bed and I did the same for him.
All in all. Drill into her Tim!
Unless she says not to.
March 11th, 2008 at 9:06 am
@ crckd
as well as the woman being on top or ‘doggy style’ (+reach around), etc., you may stimulate her clit in the usual ‘missionary position’ by raising her hips (use a pillow or something under her butt) &/or by getting her to move a little lower down the bed and positioning yourself slightly higher over her than usual.
Just don’t forget the foreplay first!
—
sucking, licking, fondling, etc., breasts is not just for women with “big breasts” as one person said! Probably *all* sized women are going to enjoy this unless their breasts/nipples are feeling too sensitive for any reason (explaining would be unnecessary, and unwelcome to most men). just don’t pull or twist painfully – those things are attached! well, unless she likes it rough/that sort of thing. ;p
enjoyed this article even tho not a bloke.. i learnt one or two things. thnx.
March 12th, 2008 at 12:25 am
guys … let me give you a very good example of the Domination Deal: my first love … our first date … i get in the car and tell him that i really want to take things slow and i want to feel relaxed and have a good time with him so would it be alright if we agreed not to do anything physical … not even the date ending kiss?
He said: “That’s fine sweetheart. I won’t kiss you … but before this date is over I am going to F#@* you.” Lost my virginity that night
Things I wish I’d been told: Don’t be afraid of hurting the penis on your first blowjob and for GOD’S sake don’t suck your lips in over your teeth to protect it. That bruising is really really hard to explain.
When your husband asks you what your most perverse fantasy is … chances are he wants to hear one of two things; what exotic place would you like to give him a blowjob and how much you would like to invite all your hottest friends over for a 5 girl on 1 man orgy/sexathon. What they are not prepared to hear is that fantasy where you’re kidnapped by a truck full of hillbillies and tormented and humiliated against your will for say a week or so. The look on his face will burn in my memory forever. And can you imagine my world after that? If we drove past a trailer-park … he’d ask if I wanted him to drop me off for a bit. Pick-up truck with say a rebel flag on it? Waggle his eyebrows at me and give me the ol’ “you know you want it”. DONT TELL YOUR MOST PERVERSE FANTASY!!! Women’s minds are dark and depraved.
Guys … don’t treat orgasm like some beast you’ve conquered and slain … conquer the girl … the orgasm will come *smiles dreamily*
poison-baby
March 14th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Advice for guys:
No matter how old you are this cannot be stressed enough; What are you trying to do tune a radio??? Nipple cripple yourself. See how you like it.
March 14th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
OMG no kidding Brad – I wish we weren’t taught that sex revolves around a man’s orgasm and that is the goal and once he has one, it’s game over. It’s taken me years to untrain myself from that mindset and enjoy a good romp where I cum 3x and my guy cums zero. BUT we are both satisfied.
Brilliant article. Glad the one on fetishes was listed first.
March 16th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Great article – I think an article expounding on the world of fetishes would also be beneficial to men (and women) everywhere.
For instance, one of the least talked about but most common fetishes is called Capnolagnia – a smoking fetish.
For many people, myself included, the sight of a beautiful woman smoking sends our minds reeling. I know, it’s hardly healthy, but the way I’ve always justified it in my own mind is that it’s a lot easier to handle than some of the others!
I can’t change it and I can’t make it go away – trust me, I’ve tried. I lived most of my life thinking I was a freak of nature, until the internet came around and helped me find other people with the same fetish as I.
So ladies, if your guy says he wants to see you smoke, don’t be offended. You don’t have to do it! Just don’t judge him!
March 18th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Sho .. anyone want to shag me? I need more experience!
March 18th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Great article!
http://www.pualifestyle.com/forum
March 19th, 2008 at 12:47 am
great!
March 20th, 2008 at 7:35 am
I like my breast sucked…hard… I like it to feel as if he is trying to milk me. This is such a turn on.
March 26th, 2008 at 3:26 am
Most women feel the need to be sexualy dominated, the trick is figuring out her caring gentleman sex vs cave man sex ratio.
Sometimes women will want to make love, sometimes they want to get fucked.
For example, it might be two times “gentle love making in the bedroom before going to sleep” to one time bending her over the kitchen table without warning and “bangin’the shit out her after coming in from work” it should’nt take long to discover your partner’s preference and this is very important…you must learn this ratio on your own, these desires are often subconscious so talking about it might just backfire on you!
March 26th, 2008 at 5:25 am
As much as you want there to be, there is not a step-by-step instruction manual for pleasing a woman. A few facts:
The truth is: Not all women have a G-Spot. Seriously, it is a scientific fact.
A very important point that I want to share with all the guys:
I’m so glad you know where my clitoris is, you are so smart! Now the one thing you don’t want to do is take your long nailed fingers and start mashing them into it as hard as you can. Think of it this way: You love me to handle your penis, but if I took my hand and made it into a claw and started yanking your genitals to and fro with all my might, that wouldn’t feel very good either. Try a little tenderness, for Chrissake. The same goes for oral. Your tongue can hurt too, and regardless of what you think, more pressure does not equal a faster climax in most cases. You’ll just have to wait.
Talk to her, guys. Make it clear that you really want to please her and that you won’t take her comments as a personal attack on your technique, because if she wants you to do it just right, she will have to be willing to make A LOT of comments.
Lastly, don’t ask about her weirdest sexual fantasy unless you actually want to be surprised and possibly scarred for life. We grew up with the same access to smut that you did, twentysomething guys.
March 30th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Sex should be about her, that is if you care about the person your having sex with, first thing first lick the clit, make sure she is wet before you jab it in there, 99% of the time…jabbing it in is not enjoyable. Go Slow at first… if she likes it go fast. Stop with the macho stuff, let her be in control you will both enjoy it more that way. Make her feel loved even if that isn’t the case, that’s usually the reason she is sleeping with you… to feel loved. Hold her after you cum all-over/in-her most of us aren’t all about having your cum every where.And do not tell your friends about it.
April 14th, 2008 at 12:55 am
i live in fear of the banjo string, honest to god how much does it hurt on a scale of 1-10 and would it be worth it to get rid of it?
April 15th, 2008 at 8:58 am
I think one thing missed was if a girl is going to give you a BJ help her! If she does it wrong and you just want to get off, she will continue to do it wrong. That is pretty much the rubric for any sexual encounter really. Feedback is insanely important, if you have multiple levels of pleasure(I’m sure we all do) try to keep track and respond the same way, ie facial expressions or what ever other things you may do. It helps the one pleasing you know what you like.
Pain and pleasure have very similar looks to them, try to have a look that can make it easier for them to see the difference. As time passes you and partner will be able to cover new ground much faster with these queues. That goes for her as well. Then the real fun begins, I believe its in the #10 category….
May 6th, 2008 at 7:18 am
Ok… I just want to say that the guys sucking themselves off made me laugh! I pictured my husband trying to do it to himself and I laughed so hard! I also want to say that women prefer a variety and sure a guy with a big dick could be a plus but… no woman wants to hurt during sex… personally, I prefer a guy with an average size penis. Big ones are way too much for me. As for the threesomes… I do not recommend it to people with jealousy streaks. My husband and I have had a few threesomes. All of which were fmf. I quite enjoyed it and I know my husband loved watching me with the other woman. If you want to try to get your woman to open up to a threesome, then bring it up while having sex. Don’t mention you wanting to fuck her friend, but mention watching her with another woman and see where it goes from there. On a personal level, I love watching my husband with another woman. It’s a fetish… I know… but it is just so amazing watching another woman get an orgasm from my man. I dk. But that’s all I have to say about that. AMAZING artical.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:59 am
About the headache thing… I find it hard to orgasm when i have a headache. Without thinking i’m going to orgasm, i don’t want to have sex with you. i’m sorry. get over it.
June 14th, 2008 at 1:46 am
If you’ve been circumcised, the banjo thing really isn’t that common – if it has happened then you’ve done something wrong, it’s not way excusable to be circumcised and ultimately losing all the nerves on the glans. Dumb logic.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:15 am
Sex is never like in a porno movie? All I can say is, you must be a lousy lover if thats your experience.
June 26th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
that was great article! good to know what women think about sex! i have personally learnt alot from the article. the anus massage fing is kind of weird! tho never tried it…. good job everyone i ges there is a lot to learn from the male and female sexuality! Adios!
August 18th, 2008 at 7:03 am
Hey, I have always wondered this…Guys please answer… Why do mean always say “Your so beautiful” when you are giving the head? Is this something you are told by your fathers? How bout saying it when we AREN”T giving you head…..BUT PLEASE STILL ANSWER MY QUESTION AS WHY!!
August 27th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
i love sex i have it all the time it keeps my girlfriend and me happy specialy whaen she lets me watch her shave her pussy that makes me warm inside lol
September 12th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
I gotta say to the men who think that their prostate is a dead animal – you don’t know what you’re missing, and really, who cares about ya? Stay in the dark, and endure the rest of yer lives with yer boring, vanilla, repressed sex lives.
But please – put a clamp on the idiotic excuses about why you shouldn’t explore stimulating your prostate. “My doctor said the male has NO g-spot…” “It’s only for taking a crap…!” Blah, blah, blah. You want to get at it and see what all the fuss is about, or you don’t. Simple. But to argue against the realiy of our physiology is idiotic and SCREAMS of the real reason – you’d have to penetrate your anus! Or… be penetrated! “No, not that! Anything but THAT! That’s… that’s… that’s GAY! Aaaaaahhhhhhh!”
And yer not GAY, damnit!
So shut up.
November 5th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
BANJO STRING? HAHA THATS WAS FUNNY AS HELL
November 10th, 2008 at 5:35 am
You have to be careful with some girls’ clits. They can actually be overly sensitive to touch and actually cause pain. And some woman actually do get off just on vaginal stimulation though it’s more unusual.
November 10th, 2008 at 6:21 am
I wouldn’t go as far as one did to say that there is a ratio of “love making” to “let’s just bang..” but there is a sort of balance. Honestly it depends on the mood. If you can pick up on a few hints that’s great, if not just ask her.. “Can I make love to you, or eff your brains out?” Some days I’m feeling a bit depressed and I want a bit of love. And then again I can go into a little rough sex streak for weeks. Just depends.
And.. coming from a girl with a B cup, doesn’t matter the size. If she likes you sucking on the girls, she effing wants it. Oh and don’t just go for the nipples, they’re great, but there is sensitive skin running around the ribs/breasts that is begging to be licked.
Unless she’s comfortable with it, don’t tell your friends, keep your mouth shut.
Size doesn’t matter. Don’t be lazy. Be open and honest.. Clit is wonderful, but isn’t always necessary. If it came down to one thing about sex- just talk to each other.
November 10th, 2008 at 8:21 am
Don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about sex. If something’s not working for you, be nice about it, but SPEAK UP!!!! The best way to make them comfortable enough to do the same, is to do it first. I promise you, if you do it right nobody’s feelings will get hurt. Try making a few gentle suggestions like “Mmm, that feels good…i think it would be really sexy if you _____ .” But always avoid criticizing.
Oh, and, guys…try and give a little positive reinforcement. If your girl is on top, don’t just sit there and stare. Yeah, I know, we look great on top. Nothing wrong with just enjoying the ride and admiring the view. But you have to give us a little something. Be more vocal!! Say what you’re thinking about our tits, how sexy we look with our hair in our eyes, the way we bite our lips. And little appreciative moan or grunt now and then goes a long way. (Never fake it!!!) But unless she has fantasies about fucking a ninja, try and remember that you’re not in your high school bedroom anymore.
Everyone’s a little different. Always listen. Don’t ever be afraid to try something new and different, and even (super) kinky. But try your best to give some notice.
Oh and, by the way…no girl has ever been fooled by someone trying to “sneak it in the back door”. We both know that’s not my pussy!!!! Come on, be a gentleman, fingers first!
November 10th, 2008 at 8:28 am
I think the biggest tips I could tell a man is not to make assumption about what a woman likes, such as: don’t assume she’ll appreciate you going down on her or that roughness is going to be a turn on. . .
And to the young men: if you’re not going to even try to please the woman, then you can’t get angry when she kicks you off.
November 10th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Number 3 made me cringe, but I notice that for gay men most of these don’t apply. We get it easy and it is much like a porno, threesomes? Yeah, screaming orgasms? Definately…
Great read though, was quite amusing.
November 10th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
To the poster who cant believe women make an excuse NOT to have sex and wondered why women say they dont want sex because of headaches.
I dont know if you have tried to have sex with a headache but i have, and ohh my god its awful! I started having sex and got a headache during the act, oh its like the worst headache ever, makes you feel like your brain is about to explode with the pressure!!! Try having sex with a headache and i swear the blood pressure from being aroused and breathing differently will make it worse!
Its the same when masturbating also, even if i really want to continue, it becomes unbearable!, and thats just a severe headache and not a migraine.
Something i wish id have been told – ‘Its not always about the Orgasm, take time just exploring each other, even if neither of you climax, if you dont then its not really a big deal’
November 10th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
After reading a few comments from mostly men, but also women, I realized that many will say “all women… most women…”. Well most women are not the same in bed; take it from a lesbian. Some women like a fast hammering, while others feel more comfortable with nice and sensual in and out. Some like to be dominated while others will enjoy taking over their partner, even though it may not seem like it in their everyday life… I’m sorry to tell you this guys, but the key is to talk WITH YOUR PARTNER about what she likes. Don’t have to wait until it’s done and you are half asleep. Ask her about what you are doing in the moment, if she likes it, she wants it faster or softer, etc. You feel stupid to do it first few times and it has taken me a few women until I had the nerve to ask it, but believe me, it will bring you a lot.
And being lesbian doesn’t make it any different… We’re still women and complicated.
To make it simple: You can’t know if you don’t ask.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Unlike most girls’, my first time was great.
Did’nt hurt a bit. But guys- PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE dont just fuck us, give us a liitle something too!
November 13th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
hi buddy..u use marriot bathrobes..which marriot hotel was that..
November 16th, 2008 at 3:16 am
I’m a female and after reading the comments i feel like i’m missing out. My boyfriend started to go down on me once, and told me it tasted bad and hasn’t done it ever again. And he’s only fingered me longer than 10 seconds once. I don’t know what to do. He tells me that since I enjoy getting my ass spanked, and since he likes spanking it, that its even to the blow jobs i give him.
December 1st, 2008 at 8:31 am
Ok, reader…you need to dump him. With a quickness. He seems like a prick, and not worth your time. I’m sure you taste great…I bet he’s gay.
December 13th, 2008 at 4:52 am
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