Image by Cayusa
How did you learn about the finer points of sex? Maybe you watched that awkward sex education video that was filmed a good 20 years before your time and made sex out to be a clinical and methodical process. Some schools had in-class demonstrations of your 60-something teacher delicately peeling a condom down over a banana like some giant, yellow (and slightly curved) penis. The mere thought of that image alone is enough to remain celibate and move to a monastery in Tibet for the rest of your life! Other people found out about sex by getting stuck in to a good old fumble session in the drama studio during a free period. Whatever your story, it’s likely you had the talk from your old man at some point as well.
Talking about sex can be uncomfortable, particularly for a dad with his teenage son. A sex ed talk from your father usually consists of the following:
- Wear a condom.
- Treat the girl with respect.
- Don’t rush her.
- Save yourself for the right girl.
Of course, none of this prepares us for the harsh reality of a proper sexual encounter. Our fathers have failed us in our pursuit for sexual enlightenment. With this in mind, I present to you The 10 Things Your Dad Never Told You About Sex (But Really Should Have).
#10 – Sex Fetishes
Image by lowfreq
I really wish my father had told me what a fetish was before I started having sex. The first time a woman asked me if I was into “Formicophilia” I thought she was speaking Italian to me. It turns out she got a real sexual kick out of having bugs, insects and creepy crawlies all over her genitals and wanted to share this delightful experience with me. Apparently fetishes are a normal variation of human sexuality which range from vanilla to just plain weird. I don’t mind a bit of biting and spanking every now and again but I draw the line at inviting cockroaches to the party. Make sure you know a bit about fetishes before engaging in sex because nobody wants to find out their girlfriend has a scat fetish after the fact.
#9 – It’s not like a porno movie
Image by sneet
Imagine my surprise when, after years of watching Jenna Jameson bounce up and down on multiple guys and screaming with pleasure, I finally lost my virginity to a shy little red head with a freckled face, glasses and braces on her teeth. I thought sex would be all about screaming, dirty orgasms and filthy talk. Not only that, I thought that every seemingly innocent situation could be initiated into impromptu sex. If my friends mum offered me a cup of tea while we waited for him to get home from work, I thought she might jump my bones any second. Alas, it never happened. As for the red head, it was less like a speeding train and more like a brisk walk. Sex is nothing like it appears in porn. (unless you happen to be dating a porn star)
#8 – Pace yourself
Image by karigaile
As a knock-on effect of the porn delusions I suffered from, I thought that going at it hammer-and-tongs for long periods of time was the norm. Those porn stars could last forever and so I was utterly disappointed when my encounter with the shy red head lasted a mere 2 minutes before I rolled over and fell asleep. If you’ve never heard the story of the tortoise and the hare, I’m sure it related to sex. Women want a stallion who can last the distance and although sometimes a quickie can be just as fun, nobody wants it to be over before it’s even begun.
#7 – Headaches are no excuse not to have sex
Image by mareen
At 21, my girlfriend of the time regularly used to tell me she wasn’t in the mood for a bit of nookie because she ‘had a headache’. New evidence has come to light though which says that the female orgasm releases endorphins (a natural painkiller). This means that sex is a headache cure. I’d go as far as to use this to try and have sex with your girlfriend for any number of ailments. Broken leg? Sex can ease your pain, baby. Your (hot)friend has a broken heart? I’ll give her an orgasm to make her feel better. Genital herpes? Er…you’re on your own there, darling.
#6 – Threesomes are not as common as you think
Image by willradik
A combination of porn and ‘true story’ articles in Maxim and FHM had me growing up thinking that a threesome was a natural part of everyday life and would happen regularly. After losing a couple of girlfriends through requests for their big-bosomed friend to join us for a session, I began to lose faith. Some people claim that “M?nage ? trois” is actually French for “In your dreams”. While I’m sure many people have had threesomes (or more) with other women, the sad reality is that the threesomes we could have would most often involve not another woman, but another man.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Men, the biggest sex organ of a woman is her BRAIN. Create a fantasy and the vast majority of women will worship the ground you walk on. Don’t be a DICK, be a DIRECTOR.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
this article was way better than the “art of flirting” article. though it’s odd that the author doesn’t know how to flirt, but can spew off some good rules of sexual engagement!
March 6th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
> Shag as many women as you can while you?re still young
It’s more about quality than quantity here, 3 *good* ladies will show you a much better time than 20 dull ones. I suppose you do need to go through 20 to find the 3, hah.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
@matt – He probably pays for sex. ;-p
March 6th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
I have heard from a few doctors….Including Dr. Drew from Loveline that the male g-spot is a myth. Being a male, I totattly agree. There is no such thing as “milking the prostate”. It’s just a bunch of Cosmo crap. I do appreciate the rest of the artical however. I agree, MUCH better than the “art of flirting”
March 6th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Great article and funny photos. http://www.barebitsblog.com Steve
March 6th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Oral stimulation on a woman is a necessity. It puts them in the right frame of mind as well as the mood. I have only have been with one woman who got off more from internal stimulus than external and she required very deep penetration. The biggest problem in todays world relating to sex is the mind getting in the way of the pleasure. Generations have taught us that sex is bad and dirty, yet life would not exist without it. If education is the key, then tell both sides of the story. Sex Ed only touches on the medical and safety side of sex. As we grow and experiment, we learn by trial and error, which for a sexual encounter can be defeating. Pride and media have perverted the human mind. We associate what we see on TV and in movies as reality more than what the real world offers. If we look at nature and how other cultures perceive sex, we could all learn a lot and have a more fulfilling sexual life.
Be smart, be safe, and be open minded.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Porn for women
Keep that in mind.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Be the MASTER of the clit!
My best/most orgasms were from a boyfriend who didn’t have much packing, but knew how to work it ALL.
It was a beautiful, beautiful thing.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Informative article! I didn’t know this one with exploding blood cavities…
But “M?nage ? trois” means actually “houshold with three”.
Congrats to the chose of pictures, this surely took some time!
March 6th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
the funniest thing in this article to me was the busted penis thing and the spooge it spewed all over the woman’s shirt. nice, that one…
March 6th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
I’ve snapped the “Banjo String” myself. Let me tell you, that is probably the most absolute worst thing that can possibly happen to man during sex (unless of course it’s durting some sort of dirty fetish sex). That sucker bleeds, alot! Think about men, your penis is full of blood at the time, now it has a way out of your body.
And yes, it hurts. And yes, it was scary. And yes, going to the hospital and having to explain your visit to the triage, her helper, and the female nurse that you will inevitibly get is pretty embarrasing.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
i wonder if there isnt a position that stimulates the clit during the act. ist there a way to like, grind on it during sex? not uncomfortable for the woman would be ideal with this too.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
this is a grait story, i got some laughs out of it, and when my girlfriend wakes up off my sholder, i’ll have her read this story.
her review will be hereif you wanna check it out
mike
March 6th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Its likely that the reason the male g-spot (prostate) is in the anus is because stimulating the anus itself is healthy. It creates increased blood flow, and helps keep it cleaner. All of this goes toward preventing problems with the prostate and colon (cancer’s etc.).
That said I am far from gay. Men barely interest me in the for of friends, let alone touching them! Nonetheless, I do like it when my partner stimulates those parts very much. Essentially I dont think being gay has much of anything to do with enjoying anal sex.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Beware of causal sexual relationships, they seem a great idea at the time, but women who are into that typically aren’t that deep (or often intelligent or loyal) so even if your having absolutely great sex, enjoy it while you can cause she’s going to dump you for someone bigger at her first shot. I speak from experience.
Also, if a threesome is on your bucket list, invest in a bi girlfriend, they may be a little more loony, but hey, worth it.
I found that thighs are highly sensitive, so pay attention. My ex really liked brushing her sides in passing, but stay about 4 inches away from anything interesting in public.
March 6th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
As a woman, I feel I am betraying women somehow…but the best way to get laid for a guy is to play hard to get. Women want what they can’t have. If you act like (or even tell them)that yo are a sexual lothario and no-one can hold you down, I GUARENTEE the women would come flocking
March 6th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
11) Condoms help you last longer, but can also keep you from getting off.
12) Speaking of condoms, get the right size. For a long time I was buying regulars, which I would break about 3 of them everytime I had sex. So one day I bought the large kind and the problem went away. For the record, I’m not much bigger than average and I never thought of myself as a ‘big’ guy, but larger condoms give more room for movement and don’t snap as easily under friction (b/c they’re not as stretched out). Nothing is scarier than having one burst right when you’re blowing your load, so if you find them breaking, don’t risk it: get bigger ones. Trojan Magnums have the same diameter base as regulars, but expand out as you go toward the tip, so even guys who aren’t huge can benefit from extra room (and sensation).
13) Make it about her, and she’ll do the same for you. The first few times I have sex with a new girl I always make it about getting her off, even if it means being too exhausted to finish myself.
14) Sex on her period can be extremely hot. Natural, warm lube plus the fact that it’s taboo can be a turn on.
15) Girls want to be dominated. Really, really want to be. Even the self-described feminist women I’ve been with want to be thrown down and slammed. No matter how much you like her, don’t like her so much you put her on a pedestal and can’t drill her like she needs. When I was first having sex I was so “respectful”, if you will (because she was actually willing to bang me) that I wouldn’t do anything that might upset her. Later on I stopped caring and just went for it, and I learned that a lot of girls are willing to do stuff I didn’t even knew happened outside of porn.
March 6th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Thumbs up for suggesting male readers reach out for their gspot
March 6th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Guys, for those of you who have a big dick, the size of your dick does not give you a free pass to be a lazy or incompetent lover. I had sex with a man who had a very thick 10″ dick and it was the worst experience of my life because he was incompetent and didn’t make sure I was properly lubricated before insertion. It was painful, decidedly unsexy, and left me injured/bleeding (due to friction without lubrication on my vaginal walls). He was even worse than the guy with the 3″ dick (yes, a 3″ dick at full erection) I had sex with at a later date — at least that guy cared to work on the foreplay a bit.
My most satisfying lover (who also happens to be my husband — duh!) is average size. I generally don’t orgasm when we are having penile/vaginal sex (as has been the case with all my lovers), BUT he knows how to make me cum with oral and believe me that is worth its weight in gold!
Men, if you haven’t experienced prostate love, give yourself the finger. I do it sometimes to my husband and he melts into a puddle every time. (Be aware that you may cause “milking”, which is an emission of ejaculate fluid without orgasm.) I usually use a glove to keep things a little cleaner. Or, you can take a less direct route to the prostate by finding it in the taint area. It’s not as intense a feeling as going through the anus, but it still feels darned good, according to the hubby. Usually I do the external prostate massage while giving him a blow — he LOVES it.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
I just read Homer’s comment above about there being no such thing as milking the prostate. I disagree — have done it to my husband.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
1 in 400 guys…..hmmmmmmm well I guess I’m #1 LOL!! I blow myself on a daily basis cause I can! Its amazing and theres nothing wrong with it. Self satisfaction is a part of life, and I love it…..and the ladies like to watch too.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Positions that can stimulate the clit? Woman on top baby! As for things that guys tend to do wrong…Men tend to go faster the more excited they get. For me slow (but not too slow) and steady gets the job done.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
keep your hands clean and nails trimmed.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
i snapped my “banjo string”
awkward conversation with doctor followed
tissue round knob for next two days
it hurt like fuck!
March 6th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
15) – very true!
March 6th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
I wish someone had told me that it was completely acceptable for a guy NOT to get off during sex. That would have relieved a whole lot of stress that I put on myself (thank you porn!) which only made the problem worse.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
isn’t foreplay one of the most important parts of sex also. I once remember going straight for her draws when i was younger, and she said “already?”
March 6th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
To Tim -
Not ALL women like being drilled hard. Everybody’s different. And being a feminist has nothing to do with sex.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
“I have heard from a few doctors?.Including Dr. Drew from Loveline that the male g-spot is a myth. Being a male, I totattly agree. There is no such thing as ?milking the prostate?. It?s just a bunch of Cosmo crap. I do appreciate the rest of the artical however. I agree, MUCH better than the ?art of flirting?”
Homer,
You are naive and obviously out of touch with your sexuality. You state that “you heard” that the g-spot is a myth. Have you ever tried anal play or tried to massage your prostate? Just because a Doctor tells you something does not mean that what they tell you is the end all. Doctors are not Gods. IMO they are similar to mechanics ( albeit with 100 more years in schooling ). They both diagnose and repair the problem. Sometimes they get it right, sometimes they don’t. Many doctors will hand out “advice” or knowledge but are skewed by their believes ( religious or otherwise ).
/rant
March 6th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
Personally, a guy has to be secure in his masculinity to not be squirmish over invading the “dirtbox”. There is nothing gay about it, it’s just sexual.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
My advice is open the condom a little bit before you even take your clothes off. Enough to maintain moisture on it, but easy to get out of the packet & roll on.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
How about a Car is not as comfortable as it sounds?
Check out Obama.
http://www.hostbarracks.com/obama1.php
March 6th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
Number 3, the one about the “banjo string” has actually happened to my boyfriend twice. I really wish now that he could get circumcised, because he has never really gotten over the event. I can’t even give him decent head anymore without causing pain.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
No, sex is really not like the porn movies you grow up watching! I remember the first time I had sex… oh the horror! I thought all women shaved their pussies and a$$es bald, after all… how hairy could they be? I neraly lost my erection when I saw the JUNGLE my poor girlfriend (we were both 15) had between her legs! It was a mess! And her butt! It looked like mine (not the buttcheeks, but in between)! Man, I really do not want to remember the horrible feeling I had that somehow my girlfriend was half-monkey or something. Parents should really tell their young how a REAL woman looks like. It’s better for the poor women and the unsuspecting young men.
March 6th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
your father never told me I’d have an Asian fetish. That has to count for something
March 6th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
I met have met a couple of women who didnt enjoy oral stimulation… why is this!?!? The others have been with say I am very good at it, and I enjoy doing it. I guess there are technically guys out there who claim to “not enjoy getting head” but I think they are rare, and perhaps have had some shitty blowjobs. I guess everyone’s different!
Oh and why do women make excuses about sex in general? “I have a headache” = ??? So wait, you are making an excuse NOT to have sex?? Seems like it should be the other way around, and I just have never understood this one. Social taboos perhaps? Shitty lover(s)? What would make you not want sex?
And lastly, the bro who is denying the male G-spot should uh, do his homework
March 6th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
hehe … great article …
March 6th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
Good Hygiene! I don’t mind a dirty man…say just getting of work, running heavy equipment and smelling like grease and diesel….mmm. But if you stink, forget about coming near me. Also, is it so hard to do a little trimming down there? Doesn’t have to be porn bald….although that is AWESOME for licking everything n stuff. But if you are wondering why your wife/girlfriend won’t go down more often, that could be part of it. Stink and hair that gags her! Lol!
Also VARIETY. That is a big thing for me. I don’t care how small or big you are, you just better know how to work it….mentally and physically. You can be the biggest stud, but if you do the same moves over and over and over, I’m out of there. Small yet knowing how to tease, work it and change it up, I will stick around and give it all right back to you.
Sometimes I like it long and loving, sometimes I just want it quick and hard so I can roll over and go to sleep! Just remember every girl is different. What one likes, another might not. Get to know your girl. I’d say that’s the biggest turn on. Some one who knows me.
March 7th, 2008 at 12:08 am
Actually the biggest sex organ on a woman is her skin….
March 7th, 2008 at 12:12 am
You’ve got to be kidding me. You straight men are sad and pathetic. Three ways are so common that they are humdrum among gay men. A lot of times the sex IS like porn star sex. We’re not ashamed of, and we know how, to have fun, safe, clean backdoor sex.
March 7th, 2008 at 12:30 am
Confused in California:
Hey there. A few of the women I’ve been with in the past have had phobias about their genitals. I suspect the cause of women’s apprehension about oral sex stems from one (or more) of the following:
1) An upbringing that taught a girl to be ashamed of her genitals. Parents who try to get their daughters to not exploring themselves as youngsters often resort to, “Don’t touch that, it’s dirty!”.
2) The prevalence of ‘feminine hygiene products’ out there tend to re-enforce #1.
3) Sadly, there are a lot of women out there who have experienced sexual abuse in their past, and there may be lingering trust and control issues that you need to help mitigate.
Enough bad news. Here’s the good news.
A lot of the time, things like this can be overcome with patience and understanding. Express your intentions clearly — “I really like pleasing you this way, and it’s something I want to do for you.”
For #1 and #2, try oral sex immediately after getting out of the shower. Soap each other up, and spend a lot of time on each others bits. (Liquid soap is a good idea – bar soap can be abrasive.)
For #3, you have to move slowly, and establish trust. A lot of female-positive porn features copious amounts of soft, sensual touching and cunnilingus.
Ironically enough, some women respond to assertiveness too. I had a GF who would only let me go down on her if she was tied up.
… or drunk.
Be persistent about giving your girl pleasure. =)
March 7th, 2008 at 12:55 am
Some of this stuff is quite interesting lol.
March 7th, 2008 at 1:30 am
@Beth
“I just read Homer?s comment above about there being no such thing as milking the prostate. I disagree ? have done it to my husband.”
I think he faked it.
March 7th, 2008 at 1:31 am
I think guys should know that girls with big boobs, well the majority of them would like for the guy to play and suck on her boobs. This is just another way to get a girl aroused. Plus, I hate guys that are so lame that just want the girl to be on top all the times, and refuse to do something new. This kind of behavior from guys is the kinda behavior that triggers girls to lie about having a hedache. Come on guys, get interesting!!!!
March 7th, 2008 at 1:42 am
Katy R said, “…the best way to get laid for a guy is to play hard to get. Women want what they can?t have.” I’ll go one better than that. You tell women that you’re gay and they’ll be all over you like flies on s**t. There are all too many females just pompous and stupid enough to think that they could be “the one” who can “turn him around” because he just needs “the right girl.” It also proves to be a helpful strategy in bagging two girls at the same time, each competing to be better than the other, trying their damnedest to “win” the guy by turning him straight. Trust me, this works!
March 7th, 2008 at 2:05 am
i just want to reinforce the dominance thing, most girls i know love being dominated by guys.
personally, i can only be attracted to a guy who’s powerful.
March 7th, 2008 at 2:13 am
The Banjo string… I’ve never hurt it while railing a girl, yet… But I have sliced it when I bailed out of my shower and clipped it on the edge of the bathroom sink countertop. Luckily I hadn’t been whackin er in the shower, and I didn’t really bleed alot, but it did take a while to heal, and stung like bee! (and smelled like ox) jokes
March 7th, 2008 at 2:17 am
If you want a threesome, there are some things you need to do.
First, stop advertising yourself as a nice guy. Be well known as a kinky pervert. You will find that most relationships do not start with a random meeting, you get introduced, and you want your reputation as the perv to precede you. Kinky women will be drawn to you knowing you are up for almost anything. Oh, if you have strong moral objections about any sexual act… you may find that your cover will be blown as soon as you give a revolted look when a woman admits she likes a specific sex act (no, not “sex position”… something so nasty Penthouse and Playboy would never print it in their letters pages).
Next, talk to your new woman… she may have jumped into your bed straight from church, she may be the sweetest, nicest, most innocent girl you have met… but she KNEW your reputation… she is either far from innocent, or has a deep urge to loose the innocence. Talk to her about her sexual fantasies (try not to blurt out your kinkiest perversions before she tells you hers), listen to what she tells you, and what she omits telling you… omissions from a list of things she will never do sexually, often tell you more than a list of things she wants to do.
Group sex often pops up in these discussions… OK, I have never had a conversation like this where group sex did not come into the discussion.
Be open to a MFM threesome. You do not need to be bisexual. There are many things two men can do with a woman that involve little to no male to male contact. A woman is going to be much more at ease if the conversation is more than only you boning some other woman. MFM threesomes are good for beginners, IF you can find a second guy who will respect you.
FMF threesomes are a lot of work… and not only physically when two women are horny enough to want you to service each of them twice… with full foreplay each time. The real work is the jealously. If you are not good with women, or you have a shaky relationship, do not even try… If you believe you can handle it, take a walk with your girlfriend this coming weekend. Hold her hand and make small talk. Now ogle and stare at the first gorgeous woman that walks by. make sure your girlfriend knows you are looking. Now talk your way out of it and calm your girlfriend down. Now you have the first inkling of what can and does happen if reality suddenly hits your girlfriend in bed, that you have your penis in another woman’s vagina. It does not matter that she agreed to it. When have you known women to be reasonable? She is more likely to go off at you if she interprets her share of attention as less than the attention you are giving the other woman. Finally, the other woman can go off at you for pretty much the same reasons. It is like walking a tightrope the first time your threesome first gets into bed. It gets easier as you go if it is a regular threesome.
Still want one? They are very possible, but you have been warned.
March 7th, 2008 at 3:55 am
I’m pretty sure the anal g-spot is there to bring a surge of relief after you take a crap.