Image by Cayusa
How did you learn about the finer points of sex? Maybe you watched that awkward sex education video that was filmed a good 20 years before your time and made sex out to be a clinical and methodical process. Some schools had in-class demonstrations of your 60-something teacher delicately peeling a condom down over a banana like some giant, yellow (and slightly curved) penis. The mere thought of that image alone is enough to remain celibate and move to a monastery in Tibet for the rest of your life! Other people found out about sex by getting stuck in to a good old fumble session in the drama studio during a free period. Whatever your story, it’s likely you had the talk from your old man at some point as well.
Talking about sex can be uncomfortable, particularly for a dad with his teenage son. A sex ed talk from your father usually consists of the following:
- Wear a condom.
- Treat the girl with respect.
- Don’t rush her.
- Save yourself for the right girl.
Of course, none of this prepares us for the harsh reality of a proper sexual encounter. Our fathers have failed us in our pursuit for sexual enlightenment. With this in mind, I present to you The 10 Things Your Dad Never Told You About Sex (But Really Should Have).
#10 – Sex Fetishes
Image by lowfreq
I really wish my father had told me what a fetish was before I started having sex. The first time a woman asked me if I was into “Formicophilia” I thought she was speaking Italian to me. It turns out she got a real sexual kick out of having bugs, insects and creepy crawlies all over her genitals and wanted to share this delightful experience with me. Apparently fetishes are a normal variation of human sexuality which range from vanilla to just plain weird. I don’t mind a bit of biting and spanking every now and again but I draw the line at inviting cockroaches to the party. Make sure you know a bit about fetishes before engaging in sex because nobody wants to find out their girlfriend has a scat fetish after the fact.
#9 – It’s not like a porno movie
Image by sneet
Imagine my surprise when, after years of watching Jenna Jameson bounce up and down on multiple guys and screaming with pleasure, I finally lost my virginity to a shy little red head with a freckled face, glasses and braces on her teeth. I thought sex would be all about screaming, dirty orgasms and filthy talk. Not only that, I thought that every seemingly innocent situation could be initiated into impromptu sex. If my friends mum offered me a cup of tea while we waited for him to get home from work, I thought she might jump my bones any second. Alas, it never happened. As for the red head, it was less like a speeding train and more like a brisk walk. Sex is nothing like it appears in porn. (unless you happen to be dating a porn star)
#8 – Pace yourself
Image by karigaile
As a knock-on effect of the porn delusions I suffered from, I thought that going at it hammer-and-tongs for long periods of time was the norm. Those porn stars could last forever and so I was utterly disappointed when my encounter with the shy red head lasted a mere 2 minutes before I rolled over and fell asleep. If you’ve never heard the story of the tortoise and the hare, I’m sure it related to sex. Women want a stallion who can last the distance and although sometimes a quickie can be just as fun, nobody wants it to be over before it’s even begun.
#7 – Headaches are no excuse not to have sex
Image by mareen
At 21, my girlfriend of the time regularly used to tell me she wasn’t in the mood for a bit of nookie because she ‘had a headache’. New evidence has come to light though which says that the female orgasm releases endorphins (a natural painkiller). This means that sex is a headache cure. I’d go as far as to use this to try and have sex with your girlfriend for any number of ailments. Broken leg? Sex can ease your pain, baby. Your (hot)friend has a broken heart? I’ll give her an orgasm to make her feel better. Genital herpes? Er…you’re on your own there, darling.
#6 – Threesomes are not as common as you think
Image by willradik
A combination of porn and ‘true story’ articles in Maxim and FHM had me growing up thinking that a threesome was a natural part of everyday life and would happen regularly. After losing a couple of girlfriends through requests for their big-bosomed friend to join us for a session, I began to lose faith. Some people claim that “M?nage ? trois” is actually French for “In your dreams”. While I’m sure many people have had threesomes (or more) with other women, the sad reality is that the threesomes we could have would most often involve not another woman, but another man.
January 7th, 2009 at 5:15 am
I agree with all except the ’sex isn’t always like a porno’.
With the right person, it always IS.
January 7th, 2009 at 6:58 am
great article enjoyed reading it
January 8th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
been following your article nice one!
February 17th, 2009 at 9:36 am
Test the advice given above
March 17th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
of course its not like a porno your not screwing ugly nasty skanks u should be thanfull its way better then a porn
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:21 pm
I have been told by several men that I have porn star sex
I think that the comments about the brain being the most important sex organ are true, if you can talk about sex with your partner, and discuss what you both like, you will have much MUCH better sex, and talking about it can get you both excited, and works as great foreplay! Don’t be afraid to try new things, and if you dont like it, dont do it again, but chances are you will find out you like a lot more than you thought!
I love being dominated, but some times its fun to be in charge too. I also love it hard and hot, but i love soft and sensual just as much, variety is the best!
I’m really tired of people thinking that if a man enjoys anal stimulation he is somehow gay… a friend of mine recently while discussing this topic said “but doesnt that make him gay…?” i was like how does that make any sense? being gay is about being attracted to other men rather than women, and has absolutely nothing to do with anal…
There are way too many taboos and double standards surrounding sex that it can feel almost impossible to get past them, but once you do, and embrace your full sexuality, the world is a much better place
June 15th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
sex is like a meal to be eaten slowly and savored unless her husband could walk in at any moment.
December 21st, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I’m learning so much at JustAGuyThing! Very insightful!
January 3rd, 2010 at 7:49 pm
…how about dad should have told us the many wonderful methods of taking care of ourselves, when chasing the girls outta our leagues ended fruitlessly????
January 29th, 2010 at 10:24 am
OK i am 23 will soon be 24 my man is 20 far from 21. he acts like hes 14 or 15. i have talked and talk to i am blue in the face even wrote letter on what he’s doing wrong. yet every time i trun around….whats wrong why wont you tell me whats wrong? i cant read your mind yet agin i have talked to him then wrote letters please help!!!!!I broke up with him yesterday and i had to hide from him and hear my friends tell me he was trying to talk to them and he wouldnt stop crying! we have only been together for almost 4 months.